Rejection

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by carten | 4:29 p.m. | March 13th 2014

xkcd.com on how to deal with whiny, self-entitled guys that complain about being unable to get a date due to being too much of a 'nice' guy:

 

I Don't Want Babies

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by Gaby Doman | 3:32 p.m. | November 12th 2013

Image courtesy of Maggie Smith / FreeDigitalPhotos.net

The older you get, the more emphasis goes on finding a suitable partner. While it may once have been ok to date an ex go-go dancer who doesn’t own a phone (don’t ask), as you enter your thirties, people start to expect you’ll be thinking of settling down, and that places a new pressure on relationships that wasn’t there in your twenties. People start to talk a lot about ‘wasting your time’ with unsuitable people. Dating suddenly goes from feeling fun and playful – even with the unsuitable ones - to feeling a little bit like musical chairs, when you have to desperately run to try not to be the one who’s left standing alone.

I must admit, I do feel a sense of urgency to meet someone – an urgency that I never felt in my early twenties. Most people can explain this away by citing their ‘biological clocks’. After all, this is the kind of age people start thinking about starting a family, if they haven’t already.

People’s inner monologues (I’m told) have maths equations running through, ‘If I meet him this year, then we have two years together before we get married and start a family, then I’ll be 36 before I have a baby’.

Image courtesy of imagerymajestic / FreeDigitalPhotos.net

I’m glad to say that, despite feeling an unexplainable urgency to meet someone I can settle down with, it’s not because I want to start a family. In fact, I really, really don’t want to start one. Every little part of being a mother scares me enough to know I never, ever want to do it. When you’re a mother, even days out in town become a mammoth task of organisation, you have to become obsessed with feeding times and sleeping habits and nappy changes and ‘why is he crying?’ and, most of all, you lose the freedom, lack of responsibility and sense of spontaneity your life previously had.

I know mothers miss all those things but, without fail they tell me they have gained so much more than they lost. That’s great for them. But for me, I have no maternal instinct telling me to go out and procreate. I’m lacking it. It makes me feel like a robot sometimes, but it’s really not there.

When I tell people I don’t want babies they laugh at me in the same ‘doesn’t she say silly things’ way as when you’re six and you tell people you want to be Mariah Carey when you grow up. Well, I’m not joking; I DO want to be Mariah Carey and I don’t want babies.

Image courtesy of Clare Bloomfield / FreeDigitalPhotos.net

And that’s what makes dating so serious for me at this age. While people always tell me I’ll change my mind about babies when I meet the right man I know that, on the contrary, I would never get into a serious relationship with a man who wanted a family – what’s the point? So, while the subject used to never come up in my early twenties, now I feel the need to state my position early on so as we’re not ‘wasting each other’s time’. It’s odd to have to mention these things so early on in relationships. I mean; I don’t broach the topic with great seriousness, I just casually mention I’ve no desire to ever be a mother. If they mention children, I know not to even bother seeing them again. The last guy I dated told me he wanted eleven so he could start his own football team. I sadly decided those words were the kiss of death to any potential future we may have had. 

I miss the dating of my twenties when I had no idea one way or the other if my dates wanted children or not. When did it all get so serious? I really miss the days when you could date go-go dancers without a care for what the future would hold. 

The Dos and the Don’ts of Online Dating

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by Gaby Doman | 2:21 p.m. | October 9th 2013

Image courtesy of Grant Cochrane / FreeDigitalPhotos.netOnline dating, as we know, doesn’t have the stigma it once had. Most people I know met off the internet and I even found myself saying ‘oh yes! I know him’ yesterday about a guy I’d never met but have conversed with over Twitter. There are still a few remaining people who think it’s a bit nerdy, but generally speaking, an internet hook-up is as run of the mill as a 3am club one.

In fact, most of my friends’ most solid relationships began with a click. One of my best friends found her foodie soul mate on a newspaper dating site and another now-married couple I know met on a geeky dating site where they bonded over their love of all things political and Doctor Who.

I’ve dabbled in internet dating a little bit in the past. It was back when Hot or Not was the big website every student was on. You posted up a hot photo of yourself and others would rate how hot you looked. It could be a little soul destroying. In fact, it was so soul destroying that I took down the photo of myself I’d put up and instead posted a photo of a woman with the same name, but a much more beautiful figure and a mane of glossy blonde hair. I did it because I wanted to stay on the site to browse boys, but I had no intention of ever meeting them. I’m sure everyone who posts a fake photo has the same story.

Anyway, I ended up going on two separate dates with two guys I met on Hot or Not. They’d liked my photo and, though I’d told them it wasn’t really me, they were still keen to meet. I told them I didn’t have a photo but that I was slim and blonde too (true). However, despite coming clean, both were clearly quite disappointed when they met me that I didn’t resemble the beautiful model I’d posted on the site. It’s not great to start the date to hugely disappoint the guy with your average looks. The fact that they bore little resemblance to their sexed up, well lit and photo-shopped photos upset me a little, too.

Image courtesy of Michal Marcol / FreeDigitalPhotos.net

So, rule number one; if you plan to meet people, be honest about both your face and your blurb because the truth will be out.

Another rule to online dating – other than the obvious safety rules of meeting in a busy place and letting people know where you are – is to have an escape plan. You know- the cheesy phone call in the middle of dinner, “it’s an emergency? I have to leave right this second?”

I’ve never done it before, but I wish I had. One of the guys I met online I just took an instant dislike to. He wasn’t my type physically and he was one of those types who think he’s spiritual, but he’s actually just desperately trying to think of himself as being deeper and more soulful than he really was. The evening was extraordinarily dull and, if I’d met him in real life rather than online, I would never have been stuck having dinner with him.

A third rule I’d suggest is that, if you’re meeting someone you met online, you should check you have something in common with them first. The fact that you found them on a phone app and they’re only 5km away isn’t enough of a reason to think you’ll get along. I learnt the hard way when I had to spend the evening chatting with a boasting banker and then physically fight off his drunken advances in the middle of the bar. Mortifying.

Top 10 Asian Pick Up Artists To Watch Out For: DJ Fuji

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by Fran Ralston | 5 p.m. | September 16th 2013

You probably know about the Pick Up Artists (PUA) that have made their names famous worldwide. But do you know about the Asian Pick Up Artists who are not only renowned in Asia but also abroad? 10 of Asia's most popular Pick Up Artists opened up to Cupid's Library about what they think of the 'game' and the dating scene in general. Here they are in alphabetical order.

In the previous weeks, we gave you AlphaWolfChi SzetoFluffy McGeeFred PUAJohnny WolfJ.T. TranMatt ArtisanRedpoleQ and David Tian.

Image from https://www.facebook.com/djfujiCompleting the list is DJ Fuji. More dating coach than Pick Up Artist, he was featured in TV shows such as the Dr. Phil show, and in publications such as the New York Times.

What life experience made you decide that from being a PUA, you would like to be a dating coach?

Like many coaches, I didn't choose the occupation. It chose me. I have been told my entire life that you were either a guy who "had it" or a guy who didn't. Then I stumbled upon the pickup subculture in the mid-2000s and it opened my eyes to what was possible. I had no intention of being a coach, I just wanted to not be lonely. The subculture gave me hope -- it gave me the belief that you could actually improve your lot in life and didn't have to simply settle for the cards that you were dealt. It was, in my ways, the lonely guy's version of the American dream.

Years later, when I had reaped immense benefit from my experience, I was asked to coach by a major company and I accepted graciously. I eventually went on to start my own coaching company. While the industry isn't as financially lucrative as my previous career in IT, coaching is my way of giving back to a community that gave me so much.

What makes you stand out from the other dating coaches?

There are a few key things that separate us:

A. We use cutting-edge technology. We use the latest covert surveillance technology to monitor our students in bars and clubs and even integrate heart rate monitors for stress and anxiety detection.

B. We have the longest-running, most successful, 1-on-1 long-term coaching program in the world. We don't believe in "change your life in a weekend" type events because they simply don't work. Neither do the "one size fits all" continuity programs. The success rate of these types of programs is abysmal because they fail to take into account the human element. Personal mentorship through 1-on-1 work and long term coaching programs are a vastly superior learning mechanism in every imaginable skill. Our programs revolve around this concept. 

C. We understand students because we were all struggling students first. Our biggest advantage is our ability to both empathize with -- and help -- the "unhelpables": The hard cases, the 40-year-old virgins, the men suffering from acute social anxiety disorder. It's easy to get results for a tall, good-looking, well-adjusted 20-something. It's a whole different ball game when you have to deal with men who came from the same places that we did. They're depressed, shy, introverted, lonely, and desperate for female attention. That's a dark place where my instructors and I all came from, so we know the feeling intimately. Now you add in traditional dating "dealbreakers" (being short, out of shape, living with parents, etc.), and you have a recipe for a "hard case" -- the guy who goes from company to company looking for answers until he comes to us as a last resort because nothing else has worked for him. For many of our clients, we are their last hope. That's both flattering and intensely challenging.

Image from https://www.facebook.com/djfuji

Any particular strategy that is unique to you?

We don’t teach flashy techniques that impress beginners. We teach raw fundamentals that get results and change the way the student sees and interacts with the world. We teach things like social skills, humor, core confidence, body language, strong belief systems, making friends, fashion, and career and job skills. Our goal is for our students to live happier, more successful lives in every aspect. We do that not by teaching them the right lines – but by transforming them into the men they have always wanted to become.

What is the major difference of coaching in Asia and the USA?

We don’t generally coach live programs in Asia as we are mostly based in the U.S., but we do have students in Asia in our long term coaching and mentorship programs. For the most part, Asia isn’t very different than the United States. The smaller cities and areas are generally more conservative, while the larger cities are more liberal and open to sexuality. Asia is also a wide and varied place, so countries such as India, for example, are very different compared to countries like Thailand or Japan.

The biggest difference we’ve seen so far is that Asia operates from a more family-and-community-oriented standpoint than the United States. That means that social circles and friends are more important and that the “cold approach” (approaching people you don’t know) is slightly more taboo than in the States. You also have the “fame” factor, but it tends to work in only one direction. That is, a Caucasian man is often seen as “exotic” or “cool” in Asian countries. But an Asian man is not seen as the same in the United States. For this reason, some Asian-Americans consider the U.S. more difficult with dating, relative to Asia, a place where at the very least their stereotypes are considered “average.”

What strategies work in Asia and what works for the USA? Are there strategies in Asia that doesn't work in the USA? And vice versa?

We generally recommend strategies based on as much empirical data as possible. In this case, we just don’t have enough first-hand experience or a large enough sample size to be able to accurately compare/contrast strategies between the two locations.

Image from https://www.facebook.com/djfuji

Is there a universal strategy that works for all dating coaches?

Aside from VERY general ideas (e.g., “care about your students”), there’s no single effective strategy for dating coaches, because the skill level in being a top-tier coach revolves around being able to adapt to the student’s needs and/or situation. The coach who can effectively evaluate, guide, teach, and motivate a student based on the student’s individual situation will ALWAYS be more effective than the assembly-line, “one-size-fits-all” instructor.

 

More on DJ Fuji's advice and dating tips:

Website: http://www.taoofdjfuji.com

Coaching programs: http://www.taoofdjfuji.com/training/long-term-coaching-programs/

Top 10 Asian Pick Up Artists To Watch Out For: David Tian

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by Fran Ralston | 4:14 p.m. | September 9th 2013

You probably know about the Pick Up Artists (PUA) that have made their names famous worldwide. But do you know about the Asian Pick Up Artists who are not only renowned in Asia but also abroad? 10 of Asia's most popular Pick Up Artists opened up to Cupid's Library about what they think of the 'game' and the dating scene in general. Here they are in alphabetical order.

In the previous weeks, we gave you AlphaWolfChi SzetoFluffy McGeeFred PUAJohnny WolfJ.T. TranMatt Artisan and RedpoleQ.

This week we give you David Tian Ph.D. Also known as Dr. Asian Rake, he is more dating coach rather than Pick Up Artist.

Image from https://twitter.com/asianrakedavid 

What life experience made you decide that you would like to be a dating coach instead of a PUA?

After several years of casual relationships, I had experienced a lot of pleasure but very little of lasting happiness. I discovered that happiness does not come from fleeting, superficial relationships, but instead from deeper relationships that take time and commitment to build. Hence, I lost personal interest in “pick up” and this influenced my coaching practice. Instead of using metrics like the number of dates, phone numbers, or sexual encounters a client has, I began to use the same metric I now use in my personal life: Happiness.

What makes you stand out from the other dating coaches?

I specialize in Asian culture and have a Ph.D. from the University of Michigan in Asian Cultures. I've lived half my life in North America and half in various parts of Asia. I've been married before for six years and have experienced a wide variety of dating situations and relationships. I've been helping thousands of men and women find happiness in love and life since 2007.

Any particular strategy that is unique to you?

I help clients express themselves honestly and genuinely as much as possible. I believe that if a man can get himself on the path to becoming his ideal self and enjoying his ideal life and if he is pleased with his current progress, then all he needs to do is express himself genuinely and honestly through his verbal and physical communication. There is then no need for learning witty come backs, crazy openers, or mind games with women. In fact, playing those games is detrimental to finding stable, amazing women.

Image from http://www.datingskillsreview.com/david-tian-asian-rake/

What is the major difference of coaching in Asia and the USA?

In Asia, as opposed to the US, there is a lot more social anxiety in general. So that's the first thing we often need to address. For men, there is also an over-deference to authority, excessive risk aversion, a lot of inner shame and hang ups when it comes to sex, a passive aggressiveness when one's personal boundaries are crossed, and too much concern for gaining the approval of others. For Asian men, they need to work on learning how to take leadership, how to assert themselves in a civilized manner, how to manage risk properly, how to be sexual, and how to behave and think independently from their society and peers.

What strategies work in Asia and what works for the USA? Are there strategies in Asia that doesn't work in the USA? And vice versa? Image from http://www.doctorasianrake.com/category/i-s-singapore-column/

 If you mean dating strategies, then yes, in Asia, men should generally wait until he is alone with the woman before escalating physically. If he is a Westerner in Asia, he can sometimes get away with more forward behavior. But it's a good rule of thumb to wait longer to physically escalate. You should also calibrate for the general social anxiety, so on the initial approach, give her some time to get comfortable with you before going further.

Is there a universal strategy that works for all dating coaches?

The best coaching strategy is to learn as much as you can about your client's relationship history and personality and then cater your approach to his learning style. This is true no matter where you are in the world.

 

More on David Tian's advice and dating tips:

The main website is http://www.auradating.com

My personal blog is http://www.doctorasianrake.com

If you want to learn more about dating Asian women, get my ebook: http://www.auradating.com/dating-decoded-digital-book/

For those in Singapore or the surrounding regions, I recommend our flagship program: http://www.auradating.com/transformation

For those outside the region who are looking for coaching, I recommend our Weekend Workshop: http://www.auradating.com/iamready

 

Check back in our blog next week for more on the top 10 Asian pick up artists to watch out for.

Top 10 Asian Pick Up Artists To Watch Out For: RedpoleQ

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by Fran Ralston | 3:30 p.m. | September 2nd 2013

You probably know about the Pick Up Artists (PUA) that have made their names famous worldwide. But do you know about the Asian Pick Up Artists who are not only renowned in Asia but also abroad? 10 of Asia's most popular Pick Up Artists opened up to Cupid's Library about what they think of the 'game' and the dating scene in general. Here they are in alphabetical order.

In the previous weeks, we gave you AlphaWolfChi SzetoFluffy McGeeFred PUAJohnny WolfJ.T. Tran and Matt Artisan.

Image from http://asiandatingmonthly.com/This week, we give you RedpoleQ. Real name Martin Williams, an Asian-at-heart and now living in Tokyo. He has been teaching boot camps in Japan, Korea, Hong Kong, Taiwan and mainland China since 2007.

What life experience made you decide that you would like to be a PUA?

Tough to say. There was no point where I wanted to be a PUA. I just wanted to get better with girls ever since I went to Junior High School. My Jr. High School and High School were all boys, and I guess even back then I really liked women, but just didn’t have any opportunity. I was already doing cold approach daily with friends in Osaka before I knew anything about the community.

How did your female friends react when they knew that you were a PUA?

As I was in Japan, I didn’t really have the typical social circle that most people have when they live back in their own country. Since all of my friends were English teachers, the only girls we knew were our students and girls we cold approached or girls that were friends of girls we cold approached. Also, at that time in 2005, and even today, the western seduction community was totally unknown to Japanese people though they have their own pickup culture completely unrelated to western pickup that existed when I moved there in 2000.

If you kept count of the women you have already picked up, how many would there be by now?

Hard to say...there must be thousands. 3 a day is over 1,000 in a year and I got my first cold approach full-close in October 2000, but I have to say that she opened me! My second close of that year was a girl I met at a hostel I stayed at in Tokyo and the 3rd and final one from that year was an introduction from a friend. My friends and I were always cold approaching, we just didn’t know why it wasn’t working very well and why when it did work, it didn’t lead to dates or sex.

It wasn’t until I read David D. in 2004 and The Game in 2005 that things started clicking and I could make adjustments that really lead to major improvements in my results.

What's the shortest time it took you to pick up a woman?

Hmmm...really hard to say. The quickest meet to lay for me is probably about an hour, but I’m slow. My students have had much quicker pickups than me. One of my guys was going down an elevator in a hotel. A girl steps on at another floor. By the time they get to the bottom, they hit the button to go back up to his hotel room and that was that!

What makes you stand out from the rest?

I learned all my game in Asia. I know Asian girls and I have no idea about picking up western women. I’ve only been with 3 native English speakers in my entire life! A lot of the western material doesn’t work the same way, or at all, with Asian girls, and I and my friends figured that out the hard way so, we adapted game for Japan, Korea, China, Hong Kong and Taiwan mainly, though most of it modifies only slightly for SE Asia in terms of cultural understanding.

Also, I taught my first boot camp in February 2007 and I’m still in the business full time and still in the trenches with my students everyday, and not many guys who have as much experience as I have can say that.

Lastly, I really focus on the sexual relationship and training my girls up to be awesome in bed and to experiment with different techniques and locations. Asian culture isn’t very open sexually so, it’s a pretty big deal and requires a lot of trust for her to open up and get really wild. Western women get a kick out of being a bit (or very) naughty, in a way that Asian girls need time to feel comfortable doing.

Image from http://www.pickupasia.com/about-us/

Any particular strategy that is unique to you?

Yeah, I use a lot of non-verbals in my game because I’m so accustomed to dealing with language barriers. Also, I really emphasize qualifying girls because it’s SO important here in Asia with Asian women, and it’s a much more delicate process. You can’t just ask her a question about herself, because Asian girls aren’t accustomed to talking about themselves so you have to spend more time drawing them out. Finally, there has been on sexual revolution out here, so LMR (last-minute resistance) innoculators are super key. We use these to make it OK for girls to have sex because they’re used to having to be very careful or risk being judged badly for it in a way that western women haven’t had to deal with in over 40 years.

What is the major difference of PUAs in Asia and the USA?

It’s really hard to say, as I have very little knowledge of what happens in the USA these days. My impression has been that PUAs in the US are focused a lot on getting the lay and on SNL (same night lay) game, whereas my approach has been about finding really good girls you want to keep around for a long time and have an ongoing relationship with. Most of my clients are seeing multiple girls for months or even years.

What strategies work in Asia and what works for the USA? Are there strategies in Asia that doesn't work in the USA? And vice versa?

Once again, I really don’t know about game in the US, but I can say that all these concepts of making the girl chase don’t really work in Asia until you’re well into a relationship. It seems that western women want to build rapport or see a guy who doesn’t seek rapport as being a high value male, while in Asia if you don’t chase them, they just think you don’t like them. So, you have to chase, but in a way that doesn’t come off as desperate.

Asian girls appreciate being treated really nicely, so being thoughtful and paying them a lot of attention is a good thing. In Korea especially, constant messaging and phone calls is a plus and it’s virtually impossible to blow yourself out by seeming needy.

Is there a universal strategy that works for all PUAs?

Yes, in the sense that certain emotions need to be engaged and certain logistical concerns have to be taken care of for an interaction to progress to sex, but connection is really important for Asian girls so you have to spend a lot of time in comfort most of the time unless it’s a sloppy drunk hook up situation.

So, creating some sort of an emotional bond and having an emotional impact on the girl is clearly universal if you want to have an ongoing romantic relationship with girls anywhere in the world.

Image from http://redpoleq.livejournal.com/

As a PUA, did you feel like you missed out on something? Like the thrills of a challenges when courting a girl rather than picking her up? The excitement of knowing whether your relationship will last the long run or not?

Not at all...I had plenty of time to suck with girls since I didn’t really get good until I was about 27. And even today, getting the best girls is a real challenge. Fitting them into your life in a way that they feel comfortable with is tough and in my case I travel a lot and that does not sit well with Asian girls at all. They really like stability and predictability with only a touch of wild adventure and dangerousness.

Also, though it’s not strictly pickup, I get immense joy out of expanding the sexual horizons of the women I date and that takes time, patience and effort. There always more new and exciting things to do in (and out) of the bedroom, so it really doesn’t get old for me.

If you were not a PUA, what would you be?

I consider myself to be an entrepreneur first and a PUA second, so there would be no difference for me. I mean, from the time I escaped from my all boys school, I wanted to be surrounded by women, and I thought I needed a lot of money to do that. Luckily, I was able to learn pickup and I didn’t have to wait so long until I got the money before I could get the girls!

 

More on RedpoleQ's advice and dating tips:

I run boot camps in Asia all the time. I live here full time and every city is just a few hours flight away. This is my full time gig, so my schedule is quite flexible according to where and with whom I want to hang out. The best thing to do is to get in touch with me. If you’re not ready to do that, you can follow me on my sites which have the most up-to-date info:

www.PickUpAsia.com

www.AsianDatingMonthly.com

 

Check back in our blog next week for more on the top 10 Asian pick up artists to watch out for.


How To Put The Fire Back In Your Relationship

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by Jeremy Lyon | 12:01 p.m. | August 29th 2013

Image from http://www.flickr.com/photos/biker_jun/

A pet hate of mine is when someone says that a couple is no longer in their ‘honeymoon stage’. The assumption here is that there is a time at which it’s normal to be excited about the other person and particularly in love, but that after this you’ll find yourself becoming less bothered and ultimately more blasé about your partner and your relationship. Thus people will look at their other half, find that they no longer feel excited to be with them, and then say ‘ah well, we’re just out of the honeymoon period’.

Well I’m here to tell you that that is not okay. While you might think that it’s normal to get less excited about your partner over time, the reality is that terms like ‘honeymoon period’ are actually completely arbitrary and based on nothing more than hearsay and speculation. How do you define that period? How do you define a type of love?

The way you feel about your  partner is something that is constantly changing and adapting based on a range of factors, and it’s something that you can affect rather than being a passive ‘passenger’ in. If you find that your love life is no longer exciting you then, that’s something that can be changed and something that should be changed. Read on to find out how to change it.

Start Making the Effort Again

Image from http://www.flickr.com/photos/jduggan/

If you find you’re feeling to blasé about your relationship then that’s probably coming across in the way you’re acting. When was the last time that you surprised your partner with gifts? Or that you went out somewhere special? Or that you just made time for your other half to play cards in the evening rather than sitting in front of the television?

This can quickly become a vicious cycle – because you feel less excited in your relationship you end up making less effort and as a result the relationship becomes less exciting still. The place to start fixing things then is in that attitude and effort. Sometimes just buying a bunch of flowers can be enough to put some excitement back in.

Look Good

Also important is simply to spend time and effort on your appearance. A lot of the excitement in any relationship is always going to come from physical attraction and sexual tension, and in turn that is always going to come down to the way you feel about the way your partner looks and the way they feel about the way you look.

Now you might be thinking ‘my partner never wears anything sexy’, but in that case you need to ask yourself: when was the last time that you made the extra effort in your appearance? If you come home from work and throw on slippers, if it’s ages since you got a haircut, if only dress up when you’re going out, then you can’t expect your partner to work extra hard on their looks.

Put in the work on your end to sharpen up your act, and you’ll find that your whole relationship benefits.

Ask Probing Questions

You can tell your relationship is becoming mundane when your conversation consists of nothing more than bland questions about work. ‘How was your day?’, ‘Did you get lots of work done?’. Remember when you would talk for hours about nothing? Or about the meaning of life?

If you want to really feel like you’re engaging on a deeper and more fundamental level then you need to start having those kinds of conversations again and asking those kinds of questions. So make an effort to find out who your partner is and how they really feel next time you’re chatting.

Do More Things

Image from http://www.flickr.com/photos/wendelf/

One of the most simple ways to make a relationship more exciting is to do more exciting things together. This might mean joining a class and learning ball room together (which is also highly romantic and an excuse to dress up), it might mean going on a road trip across Europe and having an adventure together, or it might just mean watching a new TV show or playing a new board game.

New experiences, deep questions and lots of effort are the secret to an exciting and passionate relationship: honeymoon period or no.

 

Today’s guest author, Jeremy Lyon, is an employee at Funky Bunches, which offers online flower delivery services in Perth. Painting and decorating his own space are a few of his favourite things to do.

Top 10 Asian Pick Up Artists To Watch Out For: Matt Artisan

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by Fran Ralston | 1:07 p.m. | August 26th 2013

You probably know about the Pick Up Artists (PUA) that have made their names famous worldwide. But do you know about the Asian Pick Up Artists who are not only renowned in Asia but also abroad? 10 of Asia's most popular Pick Up Artists opened up to Cupid's Library about what they think of the 'game' and the dating scene in general. Here they are in alphabetical order.

In the previous weeks, we gave you AlphaWolfChi SzetoFluffy McGeeFred PUAJohnny Wolf and J.T. Tran.

Image from http://www.1on1datingcoach.com/contact.htmlThis week we give you Matt Artisan. Voted Best New Pick Up Artist in the World at the 2011 PUA World Summit, and #1 Dating Coach of 2009 and 2010.

What life experience made you decide that you would like to be a PUA?

I never really ever wanted to become a PUA. As, I was working on this part of my life, I decided to put a “dating coach” ad on the internet to see if anyone wanted help getting better with women.  After all, the best way to master something is to teach it, I thought. After about a month, someone finally responded. I really didn't know what I was going to teach so I just winged it. After 3 days of 4-hour sessions he was so happy at the advice and infield training I gave him and in that moment I knew I wanted to teach people how to be better with women (and continue working on my own skills).

How did your female friends react when they knew that you were a PUA?

 They all thought and still think it's pretty cool. Women seem to respect a man who can admit who he is and that he isn't perfect with women and that he wants to improve his abilities. When I tell them I teach pickup I always get one of two reaction....”Is it like that movie 'Hitch'” or “Can you give me some advice”?

If you kept count of the women you have already picked up, how many would there be by now?

I haven't kept count, but I can say that it's more than most but less than some.

What's the shortest time it took you to pick up a woman?

One minute. I walked up to her, said something, and then put my arms around her and picked her up and twirled her around. She was very light. Not sure what you are asking her or the point.

What makes you stand out from the rest?

Simplicity. Most of these methods and “gurus” out there teach a very complex system of lots of steps and memorization. I believe in simplicity. Attracting women doesn't have to [be] hard or complex. It can be very easy and straightforward with the right instructor.

Image from https://www.facebook.com/pages/Artisan-Dating-Coach/103066016483516

Any particular strategy that is unique to you?

For day game my students use, CQC, which stands for Compliment Qualify Close. It's super simple and highly effective because it shows the woman that you are confident, charming, and that you have standards. After giving her value, it forces her to prove herself to you in order to see if she has what it takes to win you over. It's short, so it works on those women who are in a hurry, which is quite often during the day. It's effective because it packs a lot of “punch” into a short amount of time. But, it's effectiveness all has to do with body language and tonality.

What is the major difference of PUAs in Asia and the USA?

Really no difference. They are primarily Xpats (ex-patriots) living in Asia from Europe, USA or Australia. I have heard that most Asian guys don't like to admit that they need to improve their skills so they don't get professional training.

What strategies work in Asia and what works for the USA? Are there strategies in Asia that doesn't work in the USA? And vice versa?

The only real difference is that women in Japan are a little more shy than other areas, so we start out with a “pre-opener” like, “excuse me, do you know where Starbucks is?” And a lot of them don't speak English so you must say it in Japanese. I'm really bad at remembering things in other languages so I would just bust out my phone and read my translation notes word for word. Not the best way to do it but it worked.

Is there a universal strategy that works for all PUAs?Image from https://www.facebook.com/pages/Artisan-Dating-Coach/103066016483516

 As cliche as it might be, and women have been telling us this for a long time, confidence is the #1 attraction switch for women. And guys, stop bragging! It doesn't work.

As a PUA, did you feel like you missed out on something? Like the thrills of a challenges when courting a girl rather than picking her up? The excitement of knowing whether your relationship will last the long run or not?

This question doesn't really make sense because picking up women for me is about making a real connection with women. It's not about tricking her. Women see past that. It's about finding out who you really are as a confident man, and then expressing that to women in such a way that is genuine and honest.

There is plenty of excitement in fact I think it's WAY more exciting than “courting” her. Who wants to go on a boring interview diner date anyway?

If you were not a PUA, what would you be?

A cowboy astronaut millionaire!

 

More on Matt Artisan's advice and dating tips:

For 1-On-1 Training: www.1on1DatingCoach.com

For Day Game Boot Camps: www.DayGameTraining.com

For Help Texting Girls: www.TextingGirls.com

For Monthly Training from Top Gurus: www.PickUpArtistAcademy.com

 

Check back in our blog next week for more on the top 10 Asian pick up artists to watch out for

Top 10 Asian Pick Up Artists To Watch Out For: J.T. Tran

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by Fran Ralston | 12:15 p.m. | August 19th 2013

You probably know about the Pick Up Artists (PUA) that have made their names famous worldwide. But do you know about the Asian Pick Up Artists who are not only renowned in Asia but also abroad? 10 of Asia's most popular Pick Up Artists opened up to Cupid's Library about what they think of the 'game' and the dating scene in general. Here they are in alphabetical order.

In the previous weeks, we gave you AlphaWolfChi SzetoFluffy McGeeFred PUA and Johnny Wolf.

This week we give you J.T. Tran. Famous as The Asian Playboy and dating advice columnist for LA Weekly and Baller magazine.

Image from http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/JT_Tran

What life experience made you decide that you would like to be a PUA?

It became apparent to me in my early 20’s that I was lacking socially. I saw myself being passed up for promotions, being shot down by women, and generally getting stuck in the same place over and over. I took charge of my life. Because I was an intelligent and logical thinker, I knew the best way to get good at something was to study and learn from a mentor. After I gained the skillset necessary, I was able to go out on my own and utilize what I had learned. But it was mostly the idea that I wasn’t good at something that everyone else seemed naturally gifted at; that urged me to be better.

How did your female friends react when they knew that you were a PUA?

The more I studied pick up, the less I cared about what people thought. You kind of have to be desensitized to all, mostly because in your early stages of pick up, you will get rejected, maybe a lot. You can’t take every rejection personally but rather learn from your mistakes and do better the next time. Having said that, however, most girls think it’s a really interesting industry to be involved with. Everyone’s interested in hearing about the secrets from the opposite sex and women are no different. While a few are initially skeptical, the majority of the women who are actually exposed to what I do in real life think its an amazing thing because they can see my students transform in the course of a weekend.

If you kept count of the women you have already picked up, how many would there be by now?

At this point in my life, I don’t think a number truly reflects how I feel about women. Also from a very practical point of view, women do Google and YouTube me before they go out with me so I truly can’t kiss and tell.

What's the shortest time it took you to pick up a woman?

Currently there’s an infield pickup video of me for my ABCs Of Attraction subscribers of a cold approach to makeout in under 5 minutes. I’ve also picked up girls quicker than that. Once you learn how to talk to a woman you’ll find it’s really easy to kiss them or hold them. They are just so pleased to be talking to a guy who is confident and experienced.

What makes you stand out from the rest?

Everybody has a strong origin story; a struggle they went through to get where they are today. I’m no different. I have a strong origin story that is honest and heartfelt. However, I stand up for the underdog. This industry- dating or pickup- doesn’t take into account the unique situations that minorities or those who are not classically good looking whether it’s because you’re too short, too fat, or too bald. A lot of the general, mainstream PUA advice out there doesn’t work for minority students because it takes a different type of approach. I provide a holistic and realistic approach to pick up. I make guys be the best versions of themselves rather than being fake or memorizing a bunch of routines which have a very short shelf life in the grand scheme of an approach. I teach pick up for the underdog.

Image from https://www.facebook.com/abcsofattraction

Any particular strategy that is unique to you?

I would say my holistic point of view. Basically if you live with your parents and work at a fast food restaurant, your biggest problem is not that you aren’t good with women, it’s that there are things that are fundamentally unsatisfactory in your life that you need to get handled before you will even consider being “dateable.” You have to fix those parts of your life that are the “bare bones” or basics before adding a female into the mix. I promise it will only cause you heartache if you try to put the cart before the horse, so to speak. Sure, you COULD have a crappy lifestyle and still get beautiful women, but I wouldn’t want to be you. I got into the Community so I could get girls, have fun, and be cool. Not be creepy and get girls.

What is the major difference of PUAs in Asia and the USA?

I get asked this question a lot. It’s a little tough to explain without seeing it first hand but it mostly has to do with social and cultural differences. Pick up on the streets of New York versus Shanghai for example are going to be vastly different. A lot of women in Asia are shy and not used to guys coming up to them out of nowhere with the exception if you’re a foreigner yourself (in which case, allowance is given for the “inappropriateness” of your actions). Pick up in Asia relies a lot of indirect game, social peer approval and financially showing off by throwing money around. It happens only in the club atmosphere and usually alcohol is involved. We teach classes in Asia and it’s just a different type of animal. Asian born males simply do not act dominant unless they feel their territory is being threatened or if they’ve had a few drinks. It’s an entirely different dynamic.

What strategies work in Asia and what works for the USA? Are there strategies in Asia that doesn't work in the USA? And vice versa?

Nightgame works best in both countries. You just can’t go wrong with meeting women in clubs or bars. It’s the easiest in terms of logistics. People are already out and having a good time. They know there is the potential to meet new people. Women are usually “on the prowl” or expecting men to talk to them. It’s just a matter of approaching them with stronger game than all the other guys. I would say direct game in Asia is not as effective-that being walking up to a girl and telling her she’s gorgeous as an opener (again, unless you’re a foreigner, in which case you’re sort of expected to use a different approach). The girls are not used to that type of approach and will be intimidated. I recommend indirect or situational openers. The girl won’t be as thrown off by that. In the US I’d say go direct always! If you state your intentions in a confident and fun way, most girls will be very receptive towards it! Having said that however, Asian PUAs in the USA and Westernized world will find that going direct on a white, black, or Latin girl works the best. We come in under the radar much, much more and I can get away with a lot more dominance and sexual behavior than if I was a big, burly dude trying to caveman a girl on the intial approach.

Is there a universal strategy that works for all PUAs?

With the risk of sounding too general, I would say confidence is key. You can study all the pick up lines, tactics, and routines in the universe, but if you cannot deliver these confidently or believably, then you’ll be toast. Girls can smell insecurity because they get hit on all the time. It doesn’t matter what you say, but rather how you say it.

Image from https://www.facebook.com/abcsofattraction

As a PUA, did you feel like you missed out on something? Like the thrills of a challenges when courting a girl rather than picking her up? The excitement of knowing whether your relationship will last the long run or not?

I think I have experienced those things and much, much more. There’s always a thrill when I walk up to a new girl to talk to her. I don’t know what’s going to happen and even to this day I am constantly surprised. I don’t have any clue what goes on inside a female brain. Anyone who says he does know is lying through his teeth. I only know how to interact successfully with women and that alone will always be a fun challenge.

If you were not a PUA, what would you be?

If I had never discovered pick up, I would definitely still be an aerospace engineer, which was my career path before all of this. That thought is actually kind of depressing! I’m really pleased with the direction my life has taken me. 

 

More on J.T. Tran's advice and dating tips:

Website: http://www.abcsofattraction.com

Programs: http://www.abcsofattraction.com/programs

Contact: 1-888-689-GAME (4263) or http://www.abcsofattraction.com/contactus.php 

 

Check back in our blog next week for more on the top 10 Asian pick up artists to watch out for.

Why I Only Date Asian Men

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by Gaby Doman | 1:07 p.m. | August 12th 2013

Image courtesy of hin255 / FreeDigitalPhotos.netWhen I read Sarah Applebum’s reasoning behind why she only dates western men, I felt I should give my opposing argument on why I only date Asian men.

Before I moved to Thailand, I’d dated men from all over the world, including Greece, UK, the Middle East, Sri Lanka and Albania. My penchant was for tall, dark, arty and moody. But when I moved to Bangkok, something changed. It was a slow change, but a definite one and now the thought of me dating a British man seems as likely as me winning a lottery I didn’t enter.

I have to admit that, while most of my western girl friends are open minded and have dabbled with Asian men, their preference lies with western men. I get questioned a lot (particularly by flabbergasted western men, which greatly amuses me) as to why I am completely disinterested in the western men that most women go silly over. Let me explain.

The first thing that started to put me off was the way a lot of western men in Bangkok act. I suppose it’s difficult to be so sought after by such a large female population and to retain your sense of decency and, in general, most men I’ve met haven’t managed it. I’ve heard women say on numerous occasions that they begin to act like demi gods. I understand. I really do. I suspect I’d be the same if I lived somewhere where everyone wanted a piece of me, but I don’t. Good for you guys but, if you’ll excuse me, I don’t wish to inflate your ego further.

Secondly, on a purely shallow level, I think Thai guys are beautiful. Those high cheekbones, those bodies that buff up a treat in the gym, the thick dark hair, the beautiful eyes and smooth skin. I’m a fan.

Thirdly, I think I’ve lived outside of western dating norms for too long. I’ve lived in Thailand for over two years and I lived in the Middle East for two and a half years before that, and was in a relationship with a very sweet and respectful man most of that time. So, when western men approach me with candour and directness, as they tend to, I find it a little much. For instance; an American man asked me within two minutes of meeting me if my pubic hair matched my head hair. Our conversation had been in no way flirty. How is that kind of talk appropriate or sexy? Another time, an Australian guy in the gym kept showing me his abs during conversation and bragging about how much muscle he’d put on lately. I was mortified.

I heard another Australian guy chatting up my friend the other day. He was making double entendres about how he was great at handling huge dangerous snakes. Perhaps I am a prude, but I don’t like this presumptuous talk and I certainly don’t find it sexy.

Image courtesy of hyena reality / FreeDigitalPhotos.net

I like to be treated like a lady. Ok, so the Thai way can be a little slow, but I like it. I like the little games and not knowing whether they like you or not. I think it’s endearing (and a tiny bit frustrating) when they bring friends on dates. I like the build up of tension. I like the cute texts.

Other things I like about dating Asian men is that they tend to call you their girlfriend more readily than any western boy I’ve dated. While the words don’t mean much to me, it’s the other things that go with it that I like, being introduced to their friends as their girlfriend, more public affection etc. Last year I saw a western guy who had a girlfriend back home. He’d sleep with me, but wouldn’t snuggle up in bed (as clearly THAT would be the thing she’d find upsetting). Thai boys aren’t like that – I always feel like the focus of their attention and very respected (even if they have a girlfriend back home, too).

Another little guilty pleasure I have when dating Thai boys is how jealous they tend to get, too. I’m so bored with the way the western men I’ve dated are so blasé about everything. I want to feel like a precious jewel sometimes. I like that the Thai boys I’ve dated don’t trust any other boys not to fall under my spell. I’m sure long term it might get annoying to have them call you to check up on where you are and who you’re with every few minutes but, what can I say, I can get used to that kind of attention in the early stages of a relationship.  

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