Reviews and Price Comparisons of Online Dating Sites

Meeting the Parents



comments
by Gaby Doman | 12:33 p.m. | July 15th 2014

Image courtesy of Ambro / FreeDigitalPhotos.netSomething about meeting the parents takes me right back to being a teenager when I’d phone my then-boyfriend’s house and recite my little written down speech to his mum who’d always answer, ‘Hello Mrs Cole, it’s Gaby, Dan’s friend. Can I speak to Dan please?’ Even though it was short and simple, I would write it down each time because boyfriend’s mums terrify me.

Last year was the first time I met a serious boyfriend’s mum. My last serious boyfriend didn’t have a mum, and meeting the dad is much easier for a woman, I believe. I barely remember even being nervous about it. I just made sure I looked good and was polite (he was Greek and didn’t speak any English, so I just smiled a lot).

But last year, I met my current boyfriend’s mum for the first time. She’s Thai and doesn’t speak any English. I speak some Thai, but I’m not confident with it. As is my boyfriend’s style, he gave me approximately ten minutes notice before I met her, so I was entirely unprepared (I didn’t even have time to change). It was a quick meeting and she told him I was cute and we’d have lovely babies. So I guess it went well. His niece has also asked me directly (in front of his mum) when I am going to marry her uncle. We’d been dating two months. It was awkward.

The next few times I met his mum, I opted for mute and smiley to avoid uncomfortable conversation, which seemed to work okay until the third time, when my boyfriend told me his mum had said I should start trying to speak to them soon. Apparently she said it very nicely but, of course, it terrified me.

She sounds like a really scary, but brilliant woman. I know she has ordered my boyfriend to get colonic irrigation because she thinks he’s getting fat (“Gaby, you know that thing where they put a hose pipe up your arsehole for a detox? My mum says I have to do that”), she’s also bought him detox tablets and some gym equipment. My boyfriend works at the family business and only gets two days off a month. When he asked for January 1st off, she was silent on the subject all day. I messaged him about it and he told me she was ‘like a stone’ on the subject. Eventually she refused. She’s a frightening woman who I have great respect for.

Image courtesy of Witthaya Phonsawat / FreeDigitalPhotos.net

So, you can imagine that if she’s this no-nonsense with her son, she could be a little intimidating to a potential daughter in law. Twice now she’s told boyfriend off because I didn’t wai (Thai greeting) her properly. I am now petrified of speaking to her in a less-than-polite way.

Despite all this, I think she likes me. She often buys me gifts like Cornflakes or huge bags of oranges and other foodie gifts, puts her arm around me in a protective way when we cross roads and once told me I have the perfect figure and I look like a doll. Anyone who buys me food and compliments me is ok by me. I think she’s struck the perfect balance; I like her, I want to impress her but I have a healthy fear of her and her power over my boyfriend.

Dating in the Gym



comments
by Gaby Doman | 12:19 p.m. | June 9th 2014


Before I became a gym bunny, I had no idea about how much etiquette was involved in every aspect. For instance, everyone has their own ‘spot’ in classes they attend regularly, and it really doesn’t go down well when someone pinches it. There’s also etiquette with regards to equipment; you don’t hog the equipment for ages while you sit on it and Whatsapp your friends. You don’t sweat all over the place and leave it for the next person to sit in. These are rules most people pick up fairly quickly.

Dating in the GymThere’s another area of gym etiquette which many people – even those guys who hit the gym every day – are less familiar with, and that’s your behaviour when it comes to picking up in the gym. It’s shocking to see how some people go about it.

Of course, in an environment when people are wearing tight clothing, flaunting hot bodies, glistening with sweat and showing feats of strength and flexibility, there’s bound to be some sexual tension.

In my gym, I get to hear great stories of hook-ups among the guys in the men’s shower rooms. It seems as though, among some guys, it’s quite ok to grab at people’s genitalia in the sauna. Of course, being a woman, I am not privy to exactly what happens in there, but I know it has an entirely different etiquette so I’ll just focus on what I know about; men hitting on women in the gym.

There are a lot of mirrors in gyms, usually. While this is excellent for checking your form and taking selfies, it’s also a great tool for some covert perving. I know because I often take advantages of mirrors myself; a little glimpse of a taut thigh mid squat, or a flash of midriff tensed during a crunch. I think I am fairly discreet about it. Mirrors are brilliant for that; you can wonder whether someone is checking you out, but it’s difficult to be sure.

But what’s not cool is following people around the gym. I’ve had two gym stalkers during my two and a half years at my gym. If I’m using kettlebells, they’ll coincidentally be using the TRX next to me. If I’m squatting, they’ll be benching behind me. If I decide to go to a class, they’ll shuffle in behind me. It’s irritating and creepy. There’s no way I will start conversation with you if you’re following me; I am more likely to carry a can of mace with me on my way home, though.

What’s less creepy but just as irritating is guys at the gym showing you how to use equipment. I like to hit the weights room and I am often the only woman in there. However, the fact that I have a vagina does not mean I have less idea how to use weights. Your cock and balls do not hold the secrets to great form when deadlifting. However, when a guy comes to have a friendly chat with me, he’ll nearly always throw in a few tidbits of unwarranted advice. My favourite time was when a guy, Brendan, came over when I was bench pressing. “You’re doing that wrong”, he said. I just replied “please piss off”. He’d already bored me daily with his tips for fat loss (I hadn’t asked) and told me he used to be a personal trainer in Australia. He also showed me his abs three times in conversation, which was just awkward. I didn’t bother telling him that I’m also a certified personal trainer and know exactly how to bench press and am not remotely moved by his pasty six pack, thank you very much. Tip: trying to make someone feel stupid/ fat isn’t a good way to hit on someone. If I want advice, I’ll ask someone.

Dating in the Gym

A much more effective chat-up line that someone used on me was to ask me if I was entering the local physique competition the next month. Even though I am far from looking like a fitness competitor, it was flattering and we soon organised a ‘training day’, which is also an excellent way to get closer to someone in the gym. Every time I saw him he would seem impressed at my deadlift, ask me what I was training that day and, when I moaned about my butt never getting smaller, he told me round butts were what every girl wanted to achieve. That’s how to do it; he never overtly showed off his strength or put me down. Instead, he made me feel good and, believe me, I noticed his strength and six pack by sneakily watching him in the mirrors – not because he flaunted it.

I’ve adopted his technique when I see a hot guy in the gym. I just make polite, gym related conversation. “What are you training today?” is a great way to start. See? You don’t have to be patronising OR lecherous.

Culture Clashes



comments
by Gaby Doman | 12:13 p.m. | May 20th 2014

Culture ClashesI’m an English girl and I’ve never seriously dated a guy with English as their first language - there was a Sri Lankan, a Greek and now a Thai man - so, I am used to a little culture clash. I enjoy it. I am used to having to use the translation app mid-conversation to clarify the odd word and to celebrate festivals and events I was never aware of before.

So far, my Thai boyfriend and I haven’t had any serious culture clashes but there are certainly a few difficulties I haven’t experienced in a relationship before. For example, there’s the looks we get in the street every single day – I guess a tall blonde girl with a slight Thai Chinese man is vaguely unusual (though it really winds me up that people gawp open-mouthed at us and don’t bat an eyelash at the old sexpats with Thai teen girls on their arms). He gets a little paranoid that, when we go shopping, people might think I am paying for all his bags and bags of clothes (he really likes to shop). He also stands away from me when I am getting cash out of the ATM. I always tell him he’s ridiculously paranoid but it seems to settle his mind to wander away a little, so I let him get on with it even though it makes me a bit sad. The reality is, of course, he pays for his own things and I pay for mine – he has his own business and does very well, but he has it in his head that people who don’t know us want to find something fishy about the set-up, despite our similar ages and incomes.

Other small problems we’ve encountered are that his friends, family and acquaintances often comment on my weight. Last week I heard his chef friend telling him that I’d put on weight (I haven’t, actually). I told my boyfriend I didn’t want to eat in his restaurant anymore and he got angry, saying that I just didn’t understand the Thai way and that commenting on my physique wasn’t a slight but an observation. The next day we had another mild altercation when I wanted to meet a (straight male) friend who I have known (platonically) for years for drinks. My boyfriend was moody all day about it, even though I invited him to come. My Thai friends tell me it is just ‘Thai style’ and I should be flattered. I’m not flattered – just mildly irritated, but thankfully, I think my boyfriend knows it’s unreasonable so, even though he is moody about me being friends with men, he denies it. I think he’ll just have to get on board with my way of thinking in this case, just as I will have to get on board with the Thai way of regular and unwanted body criticisms. It’s all about compromise, after all.

Mark Zuckerberg and Priscilla Chan

Some cultural differences are less stressful and just funny. My favourite cultural differences are the little ones. I like that when we go to get breakfast together, he’ll tuck in to rice soup with congealed blood floating in it while I have muesli fruit and yoghurt (which he thinks is bird food). When I got some Angel Delight (a milk-based pudding) from the UK he flat refused to try it, and he left the cupcake I bought him to go stale in the fridge; though he’ll happily eat pig’s ears and beef entrails. He really tried to embrace Christmas, but he hated mince pies, his chocolate advent calendar, mulled wine, turkey and everything else I tried to tempt him with. We had noodles for Christmas dinner and ice cream for dessert in the end, which kept us both happy. When you boil down most of the cultural differences, they tend to be quite small issues. I’ve already learnt that he doesn’t like me to pay for meals out (fine by me) while he has realised that I will be moody for the entire day if he ‘jokes’ about me being fat. I suppose all relationships have a few wrinkles and, although cultural ones are sometimes harder to iron out that others, there’s usually a compromise that can be reached if it means enough to you both.

Rejection



comments
by carten | 4:29 p.m. | March 13th 2014

xkcd.com on how to deal with whiny, self-entitled guys that complain about being unable to get a date due to being too much of a 'nice' guy:

 

I Don't Want Babies



comments
by Gaby Doman | 3:32 p.m. | November 12th 2013

Image courtesy of Maggie Smith / FreeDigitalPhotos.net

The older you get, the more emphasis goes on finding a suitable partner. While it may once have been ok to date an ex go-go dancer who doesn’t own a phone (don’t ask), as you enter your thirties, people start to expect you’ll be thinking of settling down, and that places a new pressure on relationships that wasn’t there in your twenties. People start to talk a lot about ‘wasting your time’ with unsuitable people. Dating suddenly goes from feeling fun and playful – even with the unsuitable ones - to feeling a little bit like musical chairs, when you have to desperately run to try not to be the one who’s left standing alone.

I must admit, I do feel a sense of urgency to meet someone – an urgency that I never felt in my early twenties. Most people can explain this away by citing their ‘biological clocks’. After all, this is the kind of age people start thinking about starting a family, if they haven’t already.

People’s inner monologues (I’m told) have maths equations running through, ‘If I meet him this year, then we have two years together before we get married and start a family, then I’ll be 36 before I have a baby’.

Image courtesy of imagerymajestic / FreeDigitalPhotos.net

I’m glad to say that, despite feeling an unexplainable urgency to meet someone I can settle down with, it’s not because I want to start a family. In fact, I really, really don’t want to start one. Every little part of being a mother scares me enough to know I never, ever want to do it. When you’re a mother, even days out in town become a mammoth task of organisation, you have to become obsessed with feeding times and sleeping habits and nappy changes and ‘why is he crying?’ and, most of all, you lose the freedom, lack of responsibility and sense of spontaneity your life previously had.

I know mothers miss all those things but, without fail they tell me they have gained so much more than they lost. That’s great for them. But for me, I have no maternal instinct telling me to go out and procreate. I’m lacking it. It makes me feel like a robot sometimes, but it’s really not there.

When I tell people I don’t want babies they laugh at me in the same ‘doesn’t she say silly things’ way as when you’re six and you tell people you want to be Mariah Carey when you grow up. Well, I’m not joking; I DO want to be Mariah Carey and I don’t want babies.

Image courtesy of Clare Bloomfield / FreeDigitalPhotos.net

And that’s what makes dating so serious for me at this age. While people always tell me I’ll change my mind about babies when I meet the right man I know that, on the contrary, I would never get into a serious relationship with a man who wanted a family – what’s the point? So, while the subject used to never come up in my early twenties, now I feel the need to state my position early on so as we’re not ‘wasting each other’s time’. It’s odd to have to mention these things so early on in relationships. I mean; I don’t broach the topic with great seriousness, I just casually mention I’ve no desire to ever be a mother. If they mention children, I know not to even bother seeing them again. The last guy I dated told me he wanted eleven so he could start his own football team. I sadly decided those words were the kiss of death to any potential future we may have had. 

I miss the dating of my twenties when I had no idea one way or the other if my dates wanted children or not. When did it all get so serious? I really miss the days when you could date go-go dancers without a care for what the future would hold. 

The Dos and the Don’ts of Online Dating



comments
by Gaby Doman | 2:21 p.m. | October 9th 2013

Image courtesy of Grant Cochrane / FreeDigitalPhotos.netOnline dating, as we know, doesn’t have the stigma it once had. Most people I know met off the internet and I even found myself saying ‘oh yes! I know him’ yesterday about a guy I’d never met but have conversed with over Twitter. There are still a few remaining people who think it’s a bit nerdy, but generally speaking, an internet hook-up is as run of the mill as a 3am club one.

In fact, most of my friends’ most solid relationships began with a click. One of my best friends found her foodie soul mate on a newspaper dating site and another now-married couple I know met on a geeky dating site where they bonded over their love of all things political and Doctor Who.

I’ve dabbled in internet dating a little bit in the past. It was back when Hot or Not was the big website every student was on. You posted up a hot photo of yourself and others would rate how hot you looked. It could be a little soul destroying. In fact, it was so soul destroying that I took down the photo of myself I’d put up and instead posted a photo of a woman with the same name, but a much more beautiful figure and a mane of glossy blonde hair. I did it because I wanted to stay on the site to browse boys, but I had no intention of ever meeting them. I’m sure everyone who posts a fake photo has the same story.

Anyway, I ended up going on two separate dates with two guys I met on Hot or Not. They’d liked my photo and, though I’d told them it wasn’t really me, they were still keen to meet. I told them I didn’t have a photo but that I was slim and blonde too (true). However, despite coming clean, both were clearly quite disappointed when they met me that I didn’t resemble the beautiful model I’d posted on the site. It’s not great to start the date to hugely disappoint the guy with your average looks. The fact that they bore little resemblance to their sexed up, well lit and photo-shopped photos upset me a little, too.

Image courtesy of Michal Marcol / FreeDigitalPhotos.net

So, rule number one; if you plan to meet people, be honest about both your face and your blurb because the truth will be out.

Another rule to online dating – other than the obvious safety rules of meeting in a busy place and letting people know where you are – is to have an escape plan. You know- the cheesy phone call in the middle of dinner, “it’s an emergency? I have to leave right this second?”

I’ve never done it before, but I wish I had. One of the guys I met online I just took an instant dislike to. He wasn’t my type physically and he was one of those types who think he’s spiritual, but he’s actually just desperately trying to think of himself as being deeper and more soulful than he really was. The evening was extraordinarily dull and, if I’d met him in real life rather than online, I would never have been stuck having dinner with him.

A third rule I’d suggest is that, if you’re meeting someone you met online, you should check you have something in common with them first. The fact that you found them on a phone app and they’re only 5km away isn’t enough of a reason to think you’ll get along. I learnt the hard way when I had to spend the evening chatting with a boasting banker and then physically fight off his drunken advances in the middle of the bar. Mortifying.

Top 10 Asian Pick Up Artists To Watch Out For: DJ Fuji



comments
by Fran Ralston | 5 p.m. | September 16th 2013

You probably know about the Pick Up Artists (PUA) that have made their names famous worldwide. But do you know about the Asian Pick Up Artists who are not only renowned in Asia but also abroad? 10 of Asia's most popular Pick Up Artists opened up to Cupid's Library about what they think of the 'game' and the dating scene in general. Here they are in alphabetical order.

In the previous weeks, we gave you AlphaWolfChi SzetoFluffy McGeeFred PUAJohnny WolfJ.T. TranMatt ArtisanRedpoleQ and David Tian.

Image from https://www.facebook.com/djfujiCompleting the list is DJ Fuji. More dating coach than Pick Up Artist, he was featured in TV shows such as the Dr. Phil show, and in publications such as the New York Times.

What life experience made you decide that from being a PUA, you would like to be a dating coach?

Like many coaches, I didn't choose the occupation. It chose me. I have been told my entire life that you were either a guy who "had it" or a guy who didn't. Then I stumbled upon the pickup subculture in the mid-2000s and it opened my eyes to what was possible. I had no intention of being a coach, I just wanted to not be lonely. The subculture gave me hope -- it gave me the belief that you could actually improve your lot in life and didn't have to simply settle for the cards that you were dealt. It was, in my ways, the lonely guy's version of the American dream.

Years later, when I had reaped immense benefit from my experience, I was asked to coach by a major company and I accepted graciously. I eventually went on to start my own coaching company. While the industry isn't as financially lucrative as my previous career in IT, coaching is my way of giving back to a community that gave me so much.

What makes you stand out from the other dating coaches?

There are a few key things that separate us:

A. We use cutting-edge technology. We use the latest covert surveillance technology to monitor our students in bars and clubs and even integrate heart rate monitors for stress and anxiety detection.

B. We have the longest-running, most successful, 1-on-1 long-term coaching program in the world. We don't believe in "change your life in a weekend" type events because they simply don't work. Neither do the "one size fits all" continuity programs. The success rate of these types of programs is abysmal because they fail to take into account the human element. Personal mentorship through 1-on-1 work and long term coaching programs are a vastly superior learning mechanism in every imaginable skill. Our programs revolve around this concept. 

C. We understand students because we were all struggling students first. Our biggest advantage is our ability to both empathize with -- and help -- the "unhelpables": The hard cases, the 40-year-old virgins, the men suffering from acute social anxiety disorder. It's easy to get results for a tall, good-looking, well-adjusted 20-something. It's a whole different ball game when you have to deal with men who came from the same places that we did. They're depressed, shy, introverted, lonely, and desperate for female attention. That's a dark place where my instructors and I all came from, so we know the feeling intimately. Now you add in traditional dating "dealbreakers" (being short, out of shape, living with parents, etc.), and you have a recipe for a "hard case" -- the guy who goes from company to company looking for answers until he comes to us as a last resort because nothing else has worked for him. For many of our clients, we are their last hope. That's both flattering and intensely challenging.

Image from https://www.facebook.com/djfuji

Any particular strategy that is unique to you?

We don’t teach flashy techniques that impress beginners. We teach raw fundamentals that get results and change the way the student sees and interacts with the world. We teach things like social skills, humor, core confidence, body language, strong belief systems, making friends, fashion, and career and job skills. Our goal is for our students to live happier, more successful lives in every aspect. We do that not by teaching them the right lines – but by transforming them into the men they have always wanted to become.

What is the major difference of coaching in Asia and the USA?

We don’t generally coach live programs in Asia as we are mostly based in the U.S., but we do have students in Asia in our long term coaching and mentorship programs. For the most part, Asia isn’t very different than the United States. The smaller cities and areas are generally more conservative, while the larger cities are more liberal and open to sexuality. Asia is also a wide and varied place, so countries such as India, for example, are very different compared to countries like Thailand or Japan.

The biggest difference we’ve seen so far is that Asia operates from a more family-and-community-oriented standpoint than the United States. That means that social circles and friends are more important and that the “cold approach” (approaching people you don’t know) is slightly more taboo than in the States. You also have the “fame” factor, but it tends to work in only one direction. That is, a Caucasian man is often seen as “exotic” or “cool” in Asian countries. But an Asian man is not seen as the same in the United States. For this reason, some Asian-Americans consider the U.S. more difficult with dating, relative to Asia, a place where at the very least their stereotypes are considered “average.”

What strategies work in Asia and what works for the USA? Are there strategies in Asia that doesn't work in the USA? And vice versa?

We generally recommend strategies based on as much empirical data as possible. In this case, we just don’t have enough first-hand experience or a large enough sample size to be able to accurately compare/contrast strategies between the two locations.

Image from https://www.facebook.com/djfuji

Is there a universal strategy that works for all dating coaches?

Aside from VERY general ideas (e.g., “care about your students”), there’s no single effective strategy for dating coaches, because the skill level in being a top-tier coach revolves around being able to adapt to the student’s needs and/or situation. The coach who can effectively evaluate, guide, teach, and motivate a student based on the student’s individual situation will ALWAYS be more effective than the assembly-line, “one-size-fits-all” instructor.

 

More on DJ Fuji's advice and dating tips:

Website: http://www.taoofdjfuji.com

Coaching programs: http://www.taoofdjfuji.com/training/long-term-coaching-programs/

Top 10 Asian Pick Up Artists To Watch Out For: David Tian



comments
by Fran Ralston | 4:14 p.m. | September 9th 2013

You probably know about the Pick Up Artists (PUA) that have made their names famous worldwide. But do you know about the Asian Pick Up Artists who are not only renowned in Asia but also abroad? 10 of Asia's most popular Pick Up Artists opened up to Cupid's Library about what they think of the 'game' and the dating scene in general. Here they are in alphabetical order.

In the previous weeks, we gave you AlphaWolfChi SzetoFluffy McGeeFred PUAJohnny WolfJ.T. TranMatt Artisan and RedpoleQ.

This week we give you David Tian Ph.D. Also known as Dr. Asian Rake, he is more dating coach rather than Pick Up Artist.

Image from https://twitter.com/asianrakedavid 

What life experience made you decide that you would like to be a dating coach instead of a PUA?

After several years of casual relationships, I had experienced a lot of pleasure but very little of lasting happiness. I discovered that happiness does not come from fleeting, superficial relationships, but instead from deeper relationships that take time and commitment to build. Hence, I lost personal interest in “pick up” and this influenced my coaching practice. Instead of using metrics like the number of dates, phone numbers, or sexual encounters a client has, I began to use the same metric I now use in my personal life: Happiness.

What makes you stand out from the other dating coaches?

I specialize in Asian culture and have a Ph.D. from the University of Michigan in Asian Cultures. I've lived half my life in North America and half in various parts of Asia. I've been married before for six years and have experienced a wide variety of dating situations and relationships. I've been helping thousands of men and women find happiness in love and life since 2007.

Any particular strategy that is unique to you?

I help clients express themselves honestly and genuinely as much as possible. I believe that if a man can get himself on the path to becoming his ideal self and enjoying his ideal life and if he is pleased with his current progress, then all he needs to do is express himself genuinely and honestly through his verbal and physical communication. There is then no need for learning witty come backs, crazy openers, or mind games with women. In fact, playing those games is detrimental to finding stable, amazing women.

Image from http://www.datingskillsreview.com/david-tian-asian-rake/

What is the major difference of coaching in Asia and the USA?

In Asia, as opposed to the US, there is a lot more social anxiety in general. So that's the first thing we often need to address. For men, there is also an over-deference to authority, excessive risk aversion, a lot of inner shame and hang ups when it comes to sex, a passive aggressiveness when one's personal boundaries are crossed, and too much concern for gaining the approval of others. For Asian men, they need to work on learning how to take leadership, how to assert themselves in a civilized manner, how to manage risk properly, how to be sexual, and how to behave and think independently from their society and peers.

What strategies work in Asia and what works for the USA? Are there strategies in Asia that doesn't work in the USA? And vice versa? Image from http://www.doctorasianrake.com/category/i-s-singapore-column/

 If you mean dating strategies, then yes, in Asia, men should generally wait until he is alone with the woman before escalating physically. If he is a Westerner in Asia, he can sometimes get away with more forward behavior. But it's a good rule of thumb to wait longer to physically escalate. You should also calibrate for the general social anxiety, so on the initial approach, give her some time to get comfortable with you before going further.

Is there a universal strategy that works for all dating coaches?

The best coaching strategy is to learn as much as you can about your client's relationship history and personality and then cater your approach to his learning style. This is true no matter where you are in the world.

 

More on David Tian's advice and dating tips:

The main website is http://www.auradating.com

My personal blog is http://www.doctorasianrake.com

If you want to learn more about dating Asian women, get my ebook: http://www.auradating.com/dating-decoded-digital-book/

For those in Singapore or the surrounding regions, I recommend our flagship program: http://www.auradating.com/transformation

For those outside the region who are looking for coaching, I recommend our Weekend Workshop: http://www.auradating.com/iamready

 

Check back in our blog next week for more on the top 10 Asian pick up artists to watch out for.

Top 10 Asian Pick Up Artists To Watch Out For: RedpoleQ



comments
by Fran Ralston | 3:30 p.m. | September 2nd 2013

You probably know about the Pick Up Artists (PUA) that have made their names famous worldwide. But do you know about the Asian Pick Up Artists who are not only renowned in Asia but also abroad? 10 of Asia's most popular Pick Up Artists opened up to Cupid's Library about what they think of the 'game' and the dating scene in general. Here they are in alphabetical order.

In the previous weeks, we gave you AlphaWolfChi SzetoFluffy McGeeFred PUAJohnny WolfJ.T. Tran and Matt Artisan.

Image from http://asiandatingmonthly.com/This week, we give you RedpoleQ. Real name Martin Williams, an Asian-at-heart and now living in Tokyo. He has been teaching boot camps in Japan, Korea, Hong Kong, Taiwan and mainland China since 2007.

What life experience made you decide that you would like to be a PUA?

Tough to say. There was no point where I wanted to be a PUA. I just wanted to get better with girls ever since I went to Junior High School. My Jr. High School and High School were all boys, and I guess even back then I really liked women, but just didn’t have any opportunity. I was already doing cold approach daily with friends in Osaka before I knew anything about the community.

How did your female friends react when they knew that you were a PUA?

As I was in Japan, I didn’t really have the typical social circle that most people have when they live back in their own country. Since all of my friends were English teachers, the only girls we knew were our students and girls we cold approached or girls that were friends of girls we cold approached. Also, at that time in 2005, and even today, the western seduction community was totally unknown to Japanese people though they have their own pickup culture completely unrelated to western pickup that existed when I moved there in 2000.

If you kept count of the women you have already picked up, how many would there be by now?

Hard to say...there must be thousands. 3 a day is over 1,000 in a year and I got my first cold approach full-close in October 2000, but I have to say that she opened me! My second close of that year was a girl I met at a hostel I stayed at in Tokyo and the 3rd and final one from that year was an introduction from a friend. My friends and I were always cold approaching, we just didn’t know why it wasn’t working very well and why when it did work, it didn’t lead to dates or sex.

It wasn’t until I read David D. in 2004 and The Game in 2005 that things started clicking and I could make adjustments that really lead to major improvements in my results.

What's the shortest time it took you to pick up a woman?

Hmmm...really hard to say. The quickest meet to lay for me is probably about an hour, but I’m slow. My students have had much quicker pickups than me. One of my guys was going down an elevator in a hotel. A girl steps on at another floor. By the time they get to the bottom, they hit the button to go back up to his hotel room and that was that!

What makes you stand out from the rest?

I learned all my game in Asia. I know Asian girls and I have no idea about picking up western women. I’ve only been with 3 native English speakers in my entire life! A lot of the western material doesn’t work the same way, or at all, with Asian girls, and I and my friends figured that out the hard way so, we adapted game for Japan, Korea, China, Hong Kong and Taiwan mainly, though most of it modifies only slightly for SE Asia in terms of cultural understanding.

Also, I taught my first boot camp in February 2007 and I’m still in the business full time and still in the trenches with my students everyday, and not many guys who have as much experience as I have can say that.

Lastly, I really focus on the sexual relationship and training my girls up to be awesome in bed and to experiment with different techniques and locations. Asian culture isn’t very open sexually so, it’s a pretty big deal and requires a lot of trust for her to open up and get really wild. Western women get a kick out of being a bit (or very) naughty, in a way that Asian girls need time to feel comfortable doing.

Image from http://www.pickupasia.com/about-us/

Any particular strategy that is unique to you?

Yeah, I use a lot of non-verbals in my game because I’m so accustomed to dealing with language barriers. Also, I really emphasize qualifying girls because it’s SO important here in Asia with Asian women, and it’s a much more delicate process. You can’t just ask her a question about herself, because Asian girls aren’t accustomed to talking about themselves so you have to spend more time drawing them out. Finally, there has been on sexual revolution out here, so LMR (last-minute resistance) innoculators are super key. We use these to make it OK for girls to have sex because they’re used to having to be very careful or risk being judged badly for it in a way that western women haven’t had to deal with in over 40 years.

What is the major difference of PUAs in Asia and the USA?

It’s really hard to say, as I have very little knowledge of what happens in the USA these days. My impression has been that PUAs in the US are focused a lot on getting the lay and on SNL (same night lay) game, whereas my approach has been about finding really good girls you want to keep around for a long time and have an ongoing relationship with. Most of my clients are seeing multiple girls for months or even years.

What strategies work in Asia and what works for the USA? Are there strategies in Asia that doesn't work in the USA? And vice versa?

Once again, I really don’t know about game in the US, but I can say that all these concepts of making the girl chase don’t really work in Asia until you’re well into a relationship. It seems that western women want to build rapport or see a guy who doesn’t seek rapport as being a high value male, while in Asia if you don’t chase them, they just think you don’t like them. So, you have to chase, but in a way that doesn’t come off as desperate.

Asian girls appreciate being treated really nicely, so being thoughtful and paying them a lot of attention is a good thing. In Korea especially, constant messaging and phone calls is a plus and it’s virtually impossible to blow yourself out by seeming needy.

Is there a universal strategy that works for all PUAs?

Yes, in the sense that certain emotions need to be engaged and certain logistical concerns have to be taken care of for an interaction to progress to sex, but connection is really important for Asian girls so you have to spend a lot of time in comfort most of the time unless it’s a sloppy drunk hook up situation.

So, creating some sort of an emotional bond and having an emotional impact on the girl is clearly universal if you want to have an ongoing romantic relationship with girls anywhere in the world.

Image from http://redpoleq.livejournal.com/

As a PUA, did you feel like you missed out on something? Like the thrills of a challenges when courting a girl rather than picking her up? The excitement of knowing whether your relationship will last the long run or not?

Not at all...I had plenty of time to suck with girls since I didn’t really get good until I was about 27. And even today, getting the best girls is a real challenge. Fitting them into your life in a way that they feel comfortable with is tough and in my case I travel a lot and that does not sit well with Asian girls at all. They really like stability and predictability with only a touch of wild adventure and dangerousness.

Also, though it’s not strictly pickup, I get immense joy out of expanding the sexual horizons of the women I date and that takes time, patience and effort. There always more new and exciting things to do in (and out) of the bedroom, so it really doesn’t get old for me.

If you were not a PUA, what would you be?

I consider myself to be an entrepreneur first and a PUA second, so there would be no difference for me. I mean, from the time I escaped from my all boys school, I wanted to be surrounded by women, and I thought I needed a lot of money to do that. Luckily, I was able to learn pickup and I didn’t have to wait so long until I got the money before I could get the girls!

 

More on RedpoleQ's advice and dating tips:

I run boot camps in Asia all the time. I live here full time and every city is just a few hours flight away. This is my full time gig, so my schedule is quite flexible according to where and with whom I want to hang out. The best thing to do is to get in touch with me. If you’re not ready to do that, you can follow me on my sites which have the most up-to-date info:

www.PickUpAsia.com

www.AsianDatingMonthly.com

 

Check back in our blog next week for more on the top 10 Asian pick up artists to watch out for.


How To Put The Fire Back In Your Relationship



comments
by Jeremy Lyon | 12:01 p.m. | August 29th 2013

Image from http://www.flickr.com/photos/biker_jun/

A pet hate of mine is when someone says that a couple is no longer in their ‘honeymoon stage’. The assumption here is that there is a time at which it’s normal to be excited about the other person and particularly in love, but that after this you’ll find yourself becoming less bothered and ultimately more blasé about your partner and your relationship. Thus people will look at their other half, find that they no longer feel excited to be with them, and then say ‘ah well, we’re just out of the honeymoon period’.

Well I’m here to tell you that that is not okay. While you might think that it’s normal to get less excited about your partner over time, the reality is that terms like ‘honeymoon period’ are actually completely arbitrary and based on nothing more than hearsay and speculation. How do you define that period? How do you define a type of love?

The way you feel about your  partner is something that is constantly changing and adapting based on a range of factors, and it’s something that you can affect rather than being a passive ‘passenger’ in. If you find that your love life is no longer exciting you then, that’s something that can be changed and something that should be changed. Read on to find out how to change it.

Start Making the Effort Again

Image from http://www.flickr.com/photos/jduggan/

If you find you’re feeling to blasé about your relationship then that’s probably coming across in the way you’re acting. When was the last time that you surprised your partner with gifts? Or that you went out somewhere special? Or that you just made time for your other half to play cards in the evening rather than sitting in front of the television?

This can quickly become a vicious cycle – because you feel less excited in your relationship you end up making less effort and as a result the relationship becomes less exciting still. The place to start fixing things then is in that attitude and effort. Sometimes just buying a bunch of flowers can be enough to put some excitement back in.

Look Good

Also important is simply to spend time and effort on your appearance. A lot of the excitement in any relationship is always going to come from physical attraction and sexual tension, and in turn that is always going to come down to the way you feel about the way your partner looks and the way they feel about the way you look.

Now you might be thinking ‘my partner never wears anything sexy’, but in that case you need to ask yourself: when was the last time that you made the extra effort in your appearance? If you come home from work and throw on slippers, if it’s ages since you got a haircut, if only dress up when you’re going out, then you can’t expect your partner to work extra hard on their looks.

Put in the work on your end to sharpen up your act, and you’ll find that your whole relationship benefits.

Ask Probing Questions

You can tell your relationship is becoming mundane when your conversation consists of nothing more than bland questions about work. ‘How was your day?’, ‘Did you get lots of work done?’. Remember when you would talk for hours about nothing? Or about the meaning of life?

If you want to really feel like you’re engaging on a deeper and more fundamental level then you need to start having those kinds of conversations again and asking those kinds of questions. So make an effort to find out who your partner is and how they really feel next time you’re chatting.

Do More Things

Image from http://www.flickr.com/photos/wendelf/

One of the most simple ways to make a relationship more exciting is to do more exciting things together. This might mean joining a class and learning ball room together (which is also highly romantic and an excuse to dress up), it might mean going on a road trip across Europe and having an adventure together, or it might just mean watching a new TV show or playing a new board game.

New experiences, deep questions and lots of effort are the secret to an exciting and passionate relationship: honeymoon period or no.

 

Today’s guest author, Jeremy Lyon, is an employee at Funky Bunches, which offers online flower delivery services in Perth. Painting and decorating his own space are a few of his favourite things to do.

Tweet