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Essential Survival Guide for Victims of Domestic Abuse



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by Michael James | noon | March 9th 2015

All relationships might seem to begin with love and trust, but when the relationship becomes an abusive one – marked by physical or emotional violence, or both – you as a victim are left with pain and hopelessness. If you find yourself trapped in such an abusive relationship or feel that you are in danger of being abused by a partner, read on.

Use this guide to protect yourself from further maltreatment. The resources here can help you break free from the vicious cycle of violence and lead you to a safer, happier life.

Image courtesy of David Castillo Dominici / FreeDigitalPhotos.net

Safety Precautions

As a victim of domestic violence, you may feel like the situation is a big, black hole from which there is no escape. Do not let yourself believe this. There is always something you can do to improve your situation.

These measures will help you become more in control, less vulnerable and feel safer – whether you are still in an abusive relationship or have already stepped out of one.

While still in an abusive relationship

If you are reading this and are continuing to interact with your abusive partner, then you must set up the following precautions.

1. Keep a list of people you can contact. Abusers are manipulative predators that want you to think that you cannot live without them. They want to twist your perception, and will try to turn you against your friends, family and other people who may genuinely care about you. Also include contacts from your local domestic violence help program. Make sure this list is available at home, at your place of work and on your person so that whenever there is danger of an attack, you can use the list to call for help.

2. Make sure these contacts are readily available in case you call/notify them for help. Do the people in your emergency contact list know that they are in the list? It is very important that you let them know that you may call at any time to ask for help, or rescue you from a physical attack or emotional lashing. You must get their assurance that they will be there for you when you call or message them – because if they cannot commit to this very important responsibility, then you should find another contact. The best emergency contacts are those that live near you, have the physical and transportation means to reach you, and are not so busy that they cannot be contacted for long stretches of time.

3. Identify safe areas in your house. Safe areas are rooms with windows or doors going outside the house so you can run for help, telephones so you can call 911 or your local police hotline, inside locks to keep your abuser at a safe distance, and free from weapons. If your abuser begins to attack you, run to your safe area and either try to escape or call for help.

4. Set up a help code word or phrase. There are times when you will want to call for help, but you fear the repercussions if your abuser finds out about your plea, like hurting you or your children. A help code word or phrase with your emergency contact list (see tip #1 of this section) will let them know that you need immediate assistance without alerting your abuser. Choose a word that can be used in normal conversation, but distinctive enough for your contact list to remember.

5. Prepare an escape plan. If and when you decide to leave your abuser, you need to have everything ready to go. Duplicate the car key and hide it in an easily accessible location. Pack a bag with some clothes, cash, important documents and your list of emergency contacts – ask a good friend to keep it in their house where it would be safe. If you have children, practice your escape plan with them.

'This is where the blow may hit, but not where it hurts' photo courtesy of LMAP, used under a Creative Commons licence

When already out of an abusive relationship

You cannot let your guard down even when you are no longer living with or interacting with your abuser. Your abuser will likely try to come back to your life, and it is very important that you put up strong barriers to protect yourself and your loved ones.

1. Consider relocating away from your abuser. A great way to restart anew is to put great distance between you and your abuser. This lessens the likelihood of contact, and lets you break away from the old habits that enabled your erratic relationship. You may choose to relocate to a new neighborhood, city, state or even country. You might think twice about relocating due to the hassles such as your children having to transfer schools, and having to find a new job and home, but relocating can be worth all that so you can have a fresh start.

2. Keep your new residence a secret. Your abuser might try to track you down and pull you back into the relationship by using manipulation or violent threats. This is why you should not divulge your new residence to anyone who might reveal your location. Make sure to get an unlisted phone number and a post office box for mail rather than your home address. You should also look into applying to your state’s address confidentiality program, which forwards mail to your home without divulging your address. Your ex-partner might try to find you through your old service providers like your bank and credit card, so cancel them and subscribe to new ones, preferably to a different provider.

3. Change up your routine. It is critical that you change up your routine, especially if you choose to stay in the same area as your abuser. Your abuser can try to re-establish contact by stalking you in your favorite coffee shop, gym or mall. Simple things like choosing a new route going home and doing errand runs on different days will help decrease the chances that you will encounter your abuser.

4. Consider getting a restraining order – but do not be complacent. A restraining order or protective order is designed to punish your abusers should they try to approach you or stalk you, but will not prevent your abuser from finding you in the first place. Restraining orders can be an invaluable tool to deter abusers, but you should not think of it as a bodyguard that will keep you absolutely out of harm’s way. If you choose to get a restraining order, learn everything you can on how the restraining order is enforced in your area. Some areas are lax with restraining orders so that the police will only give a citation to a stalker-abuser. US residents can get more information on restraining orders by calling the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE (7233) or their state’s Domestic Violence Coalition.

5. Use a corded phone whenever possible. Phone conversations can be tapped, so try to always use a corded phone -- it offers superior privacy and is harder to tap compared to your cordless or mobile phone. Given your vulnerable state, it is very important to protect your plans and conversations.

6. Replace your old mobile number and purchase a prepaid one. If you cannot afford to change numbers or buy a new mobile phone, your local domestic violence shelter or support group might be able to provide you one.

7. Make sure your phone settings and apps do not divulge personal information. Check your phone settings or any apps that might reveal your current location, residential or work address and contact details. Turn off any settings that might divulge personal information that an abuser might use to find you.

8. Create a new email. Your abuser will likely know your old email address and may try to get – if not already have – the password to it. A new email is safer to use, in general. Safeguard this new email address and reveal it to only the people you trust. Create dummy email accounts for registration purposes, and keep one real email for your personal contacts, emergency correspondence, and conversations with friends and local help groups.

9. Memorize all your computer and device passwords. Do not write them down and create ones that are very hard to guess – avoid using birthdays, nicknames and other publicly known facts about you.

10. Be careful about public computers and devices. Avoid opening your email in a public computer or someone else’s devices. Also, make sure to delete the history or use a browser that does not record your session such as Google Chrome’s Incognito setting.

Image courtesy of Alexander C. Kafka (used under a Creative Commons licence)

 

Personal Safety Plan

1. Legal guidelines. These are the questions you need to ask, and points to consider when seeking legal help.

Questions to ask your lawyer or legal advocate:

  • Am I eligible to file a restraining order?
  • Should I file a restraining order?
  • How do I file the restraining order?
  • What is the difference between a temporary restraining order and an injunction?
  • What other legal measures can help protect me from my abuser?
  • How do I avail these protections?
  • What should I do if my abuser violates the restraining order?
  • What will happen to my abuser if he or she violates the restraining order?

2. Workplace safety. Abusers can also try to hound you in your workplace. Whether you are the victim, or a colleague or boss of the victim, here are guidelines to help you deal with abusers that show up and cause trouble in the office.

As a person dealing with abuser

  • Know your employee rights and legal protections, and approach your human resources director or manager for help in enforcing them.
  • Is your abuser stalking you? Then, depending on your state, you could be protected by anti-stalking laws. Some states even have stringent anti-cyberstalking laws to prevent online harassment.
  • Did the abuser threaten to hit or actually hit you? That is grounds for your filing of assault and battery.
  • Consult with an employment lawyer. While the above guidelines can protect you after the abuser has begun stalking or threatening you, it does not prevent such incidents from happening again. Be proactive and talk to your office lawyer to obtain appropriate legal advice on how you can be better protected in your workplace.
  • Speak up. You may be embarrassed to be revealing about your abusive relationship, but no one can help you unless they know your situation. Let your abuser know that you will not tolerate his abusive behavior and stalking in the workplace.
  • Document the abuse. Record instances of abusive or stalking behavior in the workplace, as well as threatening or inappropriate language. Take note of the time, date and details. If the behavior has caused a negative impact on business performance, such as reduced productivity for you, disrupted operations or destruction of property, then you can make a stronger case for your employer to take action. Evidence will convince the higher-ups that the abuser is not only harassing you but also damaging the business.

As the colleague of someone dealing with domestic violence

  • Offer emotional support and backup. When your see that a colleague is being harassed or stalked, you may feel it is dangerous to get involved. But know that it could as easily happen to you – would you want your colleagues to ignore your situation? Be understanding and seek to build the confidence of your abused co-workers. Also, by providing them support – such as warning the abuser that shows up in the workplace that he can be reported to management – you can discourage future incidents from happening again.
  • Report to HR and management. Your colleague may be fearful or embarrassed about reporting a workplace stalker, even thinking they may lose their job, but you can tip your HR and manager about the ongoing harassment.

As the manager/senior of someone dealing with domestic violence

  • Listen, be understanding and provide support. This might seem obvious, but some managers and seniors may opt to take a hands-off approach to domestic violence victims, thinking it is not in their place to intervene. But managers and seniors have every right to protect their employees, especially if the abuse occurs at work or affects the work of the victim.  Do not turn a blind eye – by doing nothing, you somehow effectively assist the abuser in creating a hazardous workplace environment for your employee. Your best approach is to talk to your abused employee, understand the situation, assure them of your support, and then work with them to prevent any attempts at workplace harassment or stalking.
  • Be proactive in protecting your employee. Alert your security personnel of a potential abuser entering and disrupting the office premises. Abusers might stalk or harass a victim even in their place of work, so send a picture and name of the abuser to the security.

 Image courtesey of dualdflipflop (used under a Creative Commons licence)

Helpline and Support Directory

Never think you are alone. This directory will help you find help and encouragement from government agencies and support groups for domestic abuse victims:

United States

Emergency helplines

  • 911
    • They will respond immediately if you are in danger of being hurt or have already been hurt by your abuser
    • Call: 911

National hotlines

  • National Domestic Violence Hotline
    • The only center in the US that provides information regarding 5,000 local and nationwide shelters and service providers for victims, and their friends and family.
    • Has access to translators for other languages.
    • Call: 1-800-799-SAFE (7233) or 1-800-787-3224 (TTY for the deaf)
  • Dating violence hotline
    • Call: 1-866-331-9474
  • Sexual assault hotline
    • Call: 1-800-656-4673
  • National Sexual Assault Hotlines
  • National Organization for Victim Assistance
    • Call: (800)-TRY-NOVA
  • State Coalition List
    • Lists the phone numbers for the state offices of the National Coalition Against Domestic Violence.
    • Offices help you find local support or a shelter, and free or low-cost legal services.
    • Visit: http://www.ncadv.org/learn/state-coalitions

Legal services

  • American Bar Association, Domestic Violence Resources
  • Womenslaw.org
    • Provides legal information and support to victims of domestic violence and sexual assault
    • Contains a state-by-state directory of domestic violence shelters in the US
    • Visit www.womenslaw.org
  • Safe Horizon (New York City)
    • Free legal advice and aid for domestic violence victims in New York City
    • For domestic violence
      • Call: 800-621-HOPE (4673)
    • For crime victims
      • Call: 866-689-HELP (4357)
  • For rape, sexual assault and incest
    • Call: 212-227-3000 or 866-689-HELP &4357)
    • TDD Phone number for all hotlines: 866-604-5350
  • Email help@safehorizon.org
  • Visit www.safehorizon.org

 

Americans living overseas

Americans Overseas Domestic Violence Crisis Line – organization dedicated to assisting American women living overseas and victims of domestic violence. Provides outreach, safety planning, and other support services and information

 

International

  • Canada
    • Canadian National Clearinghouse on Family Violence – the national resource center for all Canadians seeking information and help regarding partner abuse, and other family abuse
      • Call (613)-957-2938
      • Call TTY toll-free: 1-800-561-5643
      • Call toll-free: 1-800-257-1291
    • National Domestic Violence Hotline
      • Call: 1-800-363-9010
  • United Kingdom
  • Europe
    • Women Against Violence Europe
      • Provides refuges, hotlines, education and counseling help throughout Europe
      • Call: 01-5482720
      • Visit www.wave-network.org
  • Australia
    • Call 1800RESPECT at 1800-737-732
    • Call 1800-200-526 – confidential national helpline
  • Asia
    • Philippines
      • Arugaan ng Kalakasan
        • Non-government organization providing services for battered women and other victims of domestic violence
        • Call (02)-921-8013, (02)928-7774, (02)-430-4227
    • China
    • India
      • International Foundation For Crime Prevention and Victim Care
      • Call: +91-44-43111143
      • Visit: www.pcvconline.org
    • Indonesia
      • Mitra Perempuan Women’s Crisis Centre
      • Call: (6221)-837-90010
    • Japan
      • Asia-Japan Women’s Resource Center
      • Provides information sharing, education and training and fights for women’s rights. Helps women become more equipped with necessary skills and knowledge.
      • Call: +81-3-3780-5245
      • Email: ajwrc@ajwrc.org
      • Visit: www.ajwrc.org

 

Further Reading Resources

Domestic violence: Finding Safety & Support

Break the Silence Handbook

Matchmaking Chronicles: Interview with Matchmaker Michele Fields



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by Patricio | 6 p.m. | March 6th 2015

Through most of our life, we have been led to believe that matches should be made in heaven. We have been led to think that the bow-wielding love genius we call Cupid, whose stellar archery skills and eye for compatibility have brought thousands of couples together. But we may have been deceived.  

Some perfect matches are, in fact, made on earth. The 'perfect match' could be made without the aid of a bow and arrow, but it could never come to be by randomly pairing singles' profiles. Professional matchmaking requires skill, smarts and passion. Heaven is that special place where couples go when these professional cupids make a perfect concoction.  

In the next few weeks, Cupid's Library will be featuring some of the most accomplished women matchmakers whose candor in this series of interviews fuels their insights on matchmaking, dating and relationships.

Image courtesy of Michele Fields

This week, we start with Denver-based matchmaker Michele Fields.

Experienced, direct and informative. These are the qualities that Michele wants Bon Jour Matchmaking to be known for. With 26 years of experience, it is hard to fault this formula.

Matchmaking seems like one of the most exciting professions there is. Have you always seen yourself as a professional cupid? What made you decide to become one?

When I was young and dated people, I always thought of other women they would make a better match with. It came naturally to me. In 1989 the only service in Denver was Great Expectations and I didn’t like their structure. I felt that I could be a more personal, efficient and less expensive alternative.

What are the most important factors to consider when creating a match? 

I take into account 6-7 factors which the client has pointed out during the interview are the most important to them. My service is collaborative which is what makes it so successful. We decide together who the best matches are based on tons of information which include several photos.

Who are the best candidates for a matchmaking service? Why do you think certain people turn to matchmaking to find a partner?

The best candidates are people with open minds and open hearts who are willing to listen to my coaching and the feedback that I share with them. People who can trust my process and have patience for the right person to come along.

Is there a specific trait that prevents someone from being successfully paired? Do you have some requirements for your clients? 

People who don’t listen to me. I know my clients and what resonates with them and what doesn’t, so my advice is based on what will be the most successful actions. If they are closed-minded and narrow and/or impatient, they will not be successful with me. Yes, all singles who I accept must fit in with the current clientele and agree with and understand the philosophy of Bon Jour Matchmaking Service.

For you, what type of man/woman is the hardest to match?  People who are too narrow and want perfection. 

They are not perfect but they insist on perfection in a mate.

In what ways is professional matchmaking more effective than online dating? Image courtesy of Michele Fields

If you engage a real matchmaker you should work with someone who knows each and every client, coaches, gives you feedback, and gets in the middle when things start to fall apart. Online, there is no one to do any of that.

How have dating apps such as Tinder changed the matchmaking industry? 

Just made it that much more superficial.

How does being a cupid-for-hire affect your own love life? Do you apply the same rules and matching techniques to your own dating habits? 

As a woman it has affected me profoundly on a personal level after 26 years! My self-image has taken a big hit listening to men berate women who they perceive are not “perfect”. I stopped dating five years ago as I see how little appreciation men have for more mature women.

Is matchmaking as fun as it looks or is the stress level equal to that of a neurosurgeon? Would you recommend professional matchmaking as a career option? 

You are dealing with people on such a personal level -- their egos, their self esteem, their hopes and dreams. It is a difficult profession to do long-term and that’s probably why so many services pop up and disappear in short order. To go 26 years with 300+ marriages is a huge accomplishment in this field. Also, when things don’t work out for someone, they tend to take it out on the “messenger”. Each person is responsible for their success with a matchmaker and in relationships. When it fails it is not always the fault of the service.

How much do you charge for your service? Are there significant differences in rate? Some matchmakers are more expensive than others, but differences in fees aside, what makes your services special?

I do not have flat fees. After 26 years working with singles, I’ve decided to evaluate each individual’s situation and offer their own personal fee that fits their situation and how much I feel I can do for them. That and a million other things mentioned above are what make Bon Jour Matchmaking Service sooooo special!

Image courtesy of Michele Fields

If there’s one piece of advice you’d have for singles who are looking for a partner, what would it be? 

If you are genuinely looking for a lifetime partner keep your eyes on the prize. Focus on what is important in a marriage, not how gorgeous they are, or whether they ski at your level. Compatible morals and values are the most important, activities and interests can be cultivated and are not what is going to get you through a lifetime of trials and tribulations.


To find out more about Michele Field's services:

Visit her website - Bon Jour Matchmaking

Like Bon Jour Matchmaking on Facebook – Bon Jour Matchmaking

 

Check Cupid's Library's blog every week as we feature more women matchmakers.

The Love of My Life Has Manic Depression



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by Mary J. | noon | February 19th 2015

Image courtesy of Naypong / FreeDigitalPhotos.netEvery girl who is looking for her Prince Charming always envisions a tall, dark and handsome man. Few descriptions of this person ever describe his mental condition; however, psychology tells us that if a person is tall, dark and handsome, the halo effect that we ascribe to him will automatically include intelligence, wit and mental stability. [Note: If you are not familiar with the halo effect, it simply means that a person with one good quality is seen to have many good qualities.]

Few, if any women will ever achieve this perfect vision in their real lives. I have yet to meet the perfect woman on this earth, and since women are naturally better than men, smiley emoticon, we can assume that there is no such thing as a perfect man. Once I got over needing to have a cartoon as my life partner, I found the love of my life in a package much different than the Disney caricature.

I met my husband at an AA meeting. His depressive state had caused him to use alcohol as a sort of self-medication. In many ways he was the most in need of help, but he always had the kindest words of encouragement for everyone in the group. I asked around to see if his behavior changed just to get me on a date. Everyone said that this was his true personality, so I ended up asking him out!

After six months of dating, I knew that this was the man that I was going to marry. He said that he knew from the second he saw me walk into the AA group, which is quite a romantic thing to say. He says very romantic things, which is another reason why I had to lock it down!

We both wanted kids; we definitely had to agree on this point in order to get married. We decided that our various challenges would serve as a good example for our children. If they came out healthy, they would have no excuses. Both of us are very driven, and we wanted our children to be inspired by us and be driven in life as well.

Part of the reason why I married him was that he let me know exactly how debilitating his condition was. With his doctor's permission, he actually went off of his medication for a while in order to show me exactly what a worst case scenario would be like. I chose him only after experiencing that episode firsthand.

Manic depression is described as a group set of behaviors that fluctuate wildly without any external provocation from extremely manic highs to extremely depressed lows. My husband's manic depression was not diagnosed precisely, as in many cases. However, our doctors and my gut say that it was partly from genetics and partly from a lack of nutrition early in his childhood. It certainly did not help that he grew up in a mildly abusive household in which no one really knew how to vent frustration in a proper way.

Image courtesy of photostock / FreeDigitalPhotos.netMy husband, the true love of my life, deals on a day-to-day basis with manic depression. Before we go into the reasons why this is difficult, we must go first into the character traits that made me want to marry him despite his mental disorder.

The spirit that I saw in this man as he dealt with his manic depression was unshakable. The number one reason that he is my husband now is that no matter how he felt biologically that day, his service to other people never wavered. He gave the same to everyone whether he was feeling well that day or not. It was then that I learned the true nature of the spirit and that our bodies are truly just vessels for a much higher energy.

This is not to say that our marriage is without its problems, of course. The process that my husband must go through in order to overcome his mental weaknesses takes quite a toll on me, his main source of daily support. At times, I am his mental punching bag. It can be difficult to try to explain to my best friends that my husband truly does not mean to make me cry at family occasions and during holidays. Ex-boyfriends have physically confronted my husband about some of the things that he has said about me in public because of his manic depression. Some of the things that he says while depressed are the exact same things that physically abusive husbands say to their wives.

Even as you read this, you are likely saying to yourself that I am letting love blind me and that I may even be in some physical danger. Believe me, this social pressure is an incredibly difficult ship to navigate, because while a manic depressive person is depressed, the things that they say resemble abuse. If a so-called mentally healthy person said the same things, it would be abuse.

This is exactly why I would like to focus on the difference between dating someone with a mental disorder and someone who has the potential to abuse you and possibly end your life.

If you are dating someone with a true mental disorder, then that person should first be aware himself of his problem. If he has not sought out medical attention and given himself the potential for stability through medication or through a daily routine, then that person is not ready for you to date. For instance, if you are dating a mentally ill person who believes that he can get off his medication whenever he wants, this can be a dangerous situation. Leave it alone.

Secondly, a person with a mental disorder will also understand the social ramifications of his actions. My husband never made excuses for his behavior in front of people – he immediately returned to his doctor and worked out a medical program that would increase his stability. I did not have to cajole him to do this; he is well aware that the person he is when depressed does not deserve a caring wife. Abusive people say that they will change and do nothing.

Image courtesy of Vichaya Kiatying-Angsulee / FreeDigitalPhotos.netThird, understand that dating or marrying a person with a mental disorder places you in a situation that many people simply will not understand. You may have to explain yourself over and over again to people who love you. You cannot become frustrated with this, as that frustration will creep back into your relationship and affect it negatively. As women, we always prefer to be the ones with the freedom to emote; however, if you are planning on a serious life with a person who has a mental disorder, this is simply one of the sacrifices that love would call on you to make. Your partner will need your mental stability in order for the relationship to work.

Most importantly, you must be able to separate the mental illness from the person who is suffering from it. This is perhaps the biggest lesson that my relationship with my husband has taught me – the physical body is a slave to nerve endings and neurons and blood chemicals. The spirit, however, is completely separate. It is truly difficult to explain, but if you cannot fall in love with the spirit of a person through the noise of biology that a mental disorder creates, then you should immediately let that person go. The relationship will not go well for either of you.

My husband and I set up physical boundaries as well. It is agreed among our entire family that if my husband ever hits me for any reason, I am to immediately leave. We have this in writing. It is not a legal contract, but it is an agreement that is known to my entire family as well as his. The bottom line is this: there are ways to overcome the difficulties that mental disorders bring to a relationship. True love will always find a way.

Your medical history is not the first thing you share when going on first dates, but in Illness Dating sites, talking about a common disease won't be so strange. Check our list of dating sites and resuscitate your need for a healthy romantic relationship. 

7 Reasons You Should Sleep Around While You’re Young



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by Molly Lanscombe | 5:23 a.m. | January 23rd 2015

Image courtesy of adamr / FreeDigitalPhotos.netI have been very fortunate to sleep around extensively while still young. I have slept with most of the continental United States, plus many cities in Alaska and Hawaii. Okay, okay, so some of that isn’t true but, there are other ways to expand your horizons when you’re young other than traveling the world. I’m a firm believer in the idea that sleeping around is an excellent way to spend your time and that you’ll probably never look back and regret many of those nights – unless you spend the night with a Greek guy who got all his ‘moves’ from bad porn films. Slapping my boobs? No. Just no. A friend once told me that you shouldn’t even consider settling down until your number was at at least 50. I think that might have been some of the best advice I ever received.

Let me explain.

1. Sleeping around helps you chill out

I’m not talking about a post-coital buzz here (although that should never be underrated), but the fact that regular sex really does help you approach life with a more relaxed attitude. As well as  being a physical release for any pent-up tension – nothing makes you forget a shitty day at work better than a hook-up. Additionally, all my friends who are doing that cringe-y thing of trying to make it work with every guy they ever date no matter how unsuitable – they are the ones who aren’t sleeping around. If you’re too busy having a little casual – but responsible – fun, then you’re not crying into your pillow about why Mr (or Miss) Meh hasn’t texted you for three days. Better to have two or three hook-ups on rotation until you meet someone worth investing a little more in.

2. Sleeping around makes you feel sexier

Let’s face it, if you’re having regular sex you feel good about yourself. Even though, rationally we know you don’t have to be sexy to get laid whenever you want – just ask Mick Jagger – but it sure does feel sexy, powerful and confident to have regular sex.

3. Sleeping around helps you pick up some valuable new skills.

When you sleep around, you acquire some valuable skills. You can figure out how to make the best of a small situation, how to talk dirty, how to phone and book a cab at the same time you’re having sex. These are useful life skills.

Also, I can proudly say that I’ve been told several times that I give the very best blow jobs. I attribute this to both years of studying Cosmo’s sex tips way before it was legal for me to be performing such activities and, later, to performing a lot of them on a lot of different guys. You can also spot guys a mile off who haven’t had that much experience and haven’t yet expanded their skill set. I feel like Federer playing against a sports club amateur. It’s frustrating. Do your future lovers a favour and put in the hard graft now, while you’re young.  

4. Sleeping around gives you some excellent stories and some valuable ‘wank bank’ material

Some of my best stories revolve around hook-ups I’ve had. Ahh, those two young athletes who made me feel like a goddess and then fixed my aircon – which had been broken for weeks – afterwards. That guy who insisted on having 'Step Up' on in the background every time. That dude who turned out to live in a hammock in a tree. Aaah, good times. Some funny, some odd, some so sexy I keep re-playing them in my head like a well-worn VHS. It’s good to have fun stories to look back on, just in case all the future holds is blended meals and card games.

5. Sleeping around lets you experiment 

When you have a long-term partner, it can be difficult to try out new things without it seeming like a lame attempt to ‘spice up’ your relationship. Unless you’re into spanking, role play, peeing on each other, etc, from the start, it can be kind of awkward and could potentially destroy your relationship entirely if you start doing it after a year or so. Sleeping around when you’re young gives you the chance to try out all this stuff for size and see if it floats your boat. Nobody needs to know you cried when that guy peed on you. The important thing is you found out it was as awful as it sounds and you moved on.

6. Sleeping around is fun

Sometimes people will look down on your hedonistic lifestyle. I say ‘screw them’. If you’re safe and responsible and everyone involved is happy, then it’s all good. Anybody who has a judgment about that is very likely to be quite uptight and very jealous. It’s fun not to be uptight. It’s fun to have sex.

Image courtesy of Vichaya Kiatying-Angsulee / FreeDigitalPhotos.net7. We’re never guaranteed old age, so let’s enjoy life’s experiences now!

I never quite understand the people who hold back and restrain themselves when it comes to matters such as this. I know a lot of people who don’t sleep with people despite them both being free and single and both wanting to. Let go of any odd moral beliefs you have about this being sinful – come on, we’re not in the Victorian times anymore – and embrace your youth. Your body is the best it’ll ever be, you have more opportunities now than you’ll likely ever have. Who knows what will happen tomorrow? You might meet the love of your life, the earth might get wiped out by a zombie apocalypse. Seize the moment and do it now.

Are you convinced by the power of great, frequent hook-ups yet? Cupid's Library's list of Casual Dating sites might aid in your decision to make the most of your testosterone-addled youth.

About A Boy Toy: Benefits And Tips To Becoming Cougar Bait



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by Jesse Quinn | 6 a.m. | December 26th 2014

Cougars are sultry goddesses offering refined pleasures that defy comparison. Youthful girls simply cannot compete with the erotic skills of these mature ladies. This is why a guy perpetually seeking improved sexual experiences would be wise to set himself up as a boy toy.

Image courtesy of stockimages / FreeDigitalPhotos.netA boy toy is a youthful man that is available for fulfilling the sexual needs of a well-to-do older woman. He presents himself in the most gentlemanly manner possible, and does everything to accentuate his boyish charm. Being relatively young is important, especially for any boy that wants to be a cub.

Hunting for MILFs (Mother I'd Like to F***) has gone completely mainstream. Stifler's mom in 'American Pie' normalized the concept of cougars for teenagers everywhere. After a generation, the notion of boyish men sleeping with older women has been accepted as a normal state of affairs. Eva Longoria’s affair with John the gardener in 'Desperate Housewives' may have dispelled the stigma once and for all.

An assortment of juicy privileges await the cougar bait. He is showered with endless sexual favors, romantic gestures and sweet surprises. He is spoiled in the bedroom and outside of it. He gains a lot of personal understanding of female pleasure, and he can hone his methods to deliver earth-shaking orgasms to future partners.

And as if you needed more proof to set yourself up as an object of a MILF's lust, this list of benefits might strengthen your resolve to become a good boy toy:

1. Cougars are not timid about anything sexual, and they are certainly not intimidated by kinks and fetishes. In fact, MILFs just love to get down and dirty. These women might even have fantasies their husbands refuse to fulfill, so they look to open-minded cubs instead. They have the experience to do unimaginable things behind closed doors. Most younger girls are hesitant to embrace the slutty side of their nature, while most cougars want to be treated like filthy whores whenever given the opportunity.

2. MILFs are not manipulative like their immature schoolgirl counterparts. They know their deepest desires very well, and this innate personal understanding allows them to unearth new levels of pleasure. Their schedule is timed to the second, so promptness can be expected with every encounter. They don’t have time to make their date wait for hours while they get ready. A cougar will be all dolled up when her boy toy arrives, and she will be ready to pounce.

3. The rewards extend far beyond the bedroom. These feisty femme fatales have a tendency to spoil their fresh-faced boys. Cougars have an undeniable reputation for being sugar mamas, and they often go straight to the purse while in a state of afterglow.

4. The enterprising cub learns sexual skills that will improve his approach as a lover for life. These moms love instructing their cubs through the process. The guidance extends to thrusting methods, oral techniques, and foreplay. To enjoy the full effects, call her “Mrs.”

5. MILFs offer elegance and luxury. They have a real wardrobe with endless dresses and lingerie. Their make-up exudes sophistication, and they know all their best colors already.

6. Enjoy an open night schedule! MILFs have kids to entertain and husbands to handle. This means a boy toy is free to roam the night looking for raunchy escapades. If he returns to his woman’s abode courteously and promptly, no questions will be asked. This is a great way to get the best of both worlds.

Image courtesy of imagerymajestic / FreeDigitalPhotos.netAs terrific as it is being a boy toy, there are a few potential downsides to keep in mind. Most boy toys find ways to enjoy all aspects of the arrangement. Primarily, MILFs have a day-time schedule, and they may have families. Being stealthy is a crucial asset for any boy toy that does not want to have an unfortunate rendezvous with an angry husband. Another potential problem is a fear of being objectified, although most cubs love being fawned over.

When looking for a willing MILF, there are a few key traits to look out for. Horny cougars are easy to spot, but only if you know the signs. Follow these tips and techniques to be ensnared by the next sexy mama you see.

1. Look for signs of a cougar on the prowl. She will usually be combining high levels of glamorousness with revealing garments. Her eye will be the first thing you notice. If the piercing gaze of a huntress failed to meet your stare, then there is no hope; however, a fleeting glance is all it takes to know this woman wants some action. The other signs to identify include jewelry and sports cars.

2. Set yourself up as the perfect prey. Be spotlessly clean and borderline metro-sexual. A cub must be well-dressed and hip. A clean shaven jaw line is an absolute must. Manscaping must be handled with expertise and precision. Remember, tattoos and piercings are ill advised. They create the persona of a bad boy, which only appeals to young girls; meanwhile, these MILFs are looking for a good boy to be obedient and chaste. Don’t wear sunglasses. MILFs want to see the innocence in your eyes. One final note: Be fit, but not overly muscular. A chiseled body may make you look too old for her tastes, so stay trim.

3. Pay no attention to the wedding ring. It is insignificant when determining if a lady is game. This holds especially true with cougars. They flaunt the sparkling diamond on their ring finger as an invitation for a fling on the side. This is a win-win situation on all grounds. You get a refined piece of ass to start, and the bling indicates that you will be receiving some of her husband's hard earned income. In the meantime, she gets a good lay that has been elusive in her relationship for years. Everybody is happy, except maybe the cuckolded husband. There are even dating sites that specialize in affairs.

4. Don't expect to dominate them because this will backfire. Act a little shy to really woo a MILF. Make her feel like she is taking your innocence. The meek will be devoured and ravaged. Play the part by feigning nervousness. Avoid going overboard into downright virginal territory, but imply that you are eager for something you cannot find in girls your own age. Ask a MILF to show you the way, and she will guide you to a place that surpasses your wildest fantasies and rawest desires.

5. Give these babes something to fuss over. Do your best to be immaculately coiffed, but always leave a minor detail unattended. Effective examples include a missed button or an errant cowlick. She'll promptly attend to the problem, and taking care of her cub will make her flustered and hot.

6. Emphasize an open day schedule. If they have a family at home, the only chance for a romp is in the morning and early afternoon. In a similar vein, it is wise to know how to not leave a trace. A masterful vanishing act is necessary for secretly scoring with a busy broad.

7. Be intellectual! MILFs love boys that are wise beyond their years. This allows them to feel like the guy is effortlessly bridging the gap. Listen to classy music. Avoid hip-hop, rock, and electronic music; instead, make the switch to classical music when in public. Carry books, especially classic literature and bestsellers. Don’t touch the romance novels! Those are reserved for her, and you might gleam some of her secrets if you pry. She may not forgive this infraction.

8. Ask for scolding, and even punishment. This will turn her on immensely, and it will give her the direct power to mold you into a better boy toy. Request spankings if you feel like you deserve them. Her eyes will well with tears as she smacks your boyish butt, and so will yours.

9. Use proper grammar with every correspondence. Don’t abbreviate any text messages, and keep slang to a minimum. You don’t have to be Shakespearean, although it wouldn’t hurt; just use full sentences and polite formalities.

10. Do not treat them like antiques. If you accidentally treat her with overly cautious regard, she will be offended. Never say anything to them that makes them feel out of touch. Be willing to get rough! It will be appreciated. Trust me, you will not break them.

11. Deliver in bed! Seriously, this needs to be reiterated over and over again. A boy toy needs to know how to make sex the single best thing his cougar has ever experienced. He must go out of his way to lavish her with attention, affection and a good pounding. The goal is to make her come repeatedly. As a boy toy, she should be able to play with you as long as she wants.

All boy toys get reciprocal benefits from pleasing their women, but the advantageous results are maximized when the woman is at least a few years his superior. This kind of pairing is truly the most erotic in all of human nature. A widespread consensus exists declaring that men reach their peak of sexual prowess around the age of 18; meanwhile, women achieve their maximum climax after 30. The numbers simply show that young men are destined to be with older women if they want to know the meaning of real pleasure. Being a boy toy comes with endless perks, and the fun is always enhanced when you belong to a confident cougar.

Do you have a love story related to cougar dating? Don't just keep it to yourself. Contact us to write for the Cupid's Library community and help share knowledge for the benefit of all. We are waiting to share your story!

Enjoy this article? Do not forget to check out Everything You Always Wanted to Know About the Sugar Baby Lifestyle (But Were Afraid to Ask) as well.

Ready to hustle as a full-fledged cub? Let this hefty list of cougar dating sites serve as your training ground for cougar-prowling. Happy hunting!

Christmas May Come But Once A Year, But That Doesn’t Mean You Have To



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by Molly Lanscombe | 10:07 a.m. | December 12th 2014

Image courtesy of imagerymajestic / FreeDigitalPhotos.netI don’t want a lot for Christmas, there is just one thing I need… regular, reliable sex to get me though the festive season. In short, a festive fuck buddy.

Christmas is a warm and fussy time of year; the fairy lights viewed through a mulled wine haze, the soppy films at the cinemas… not to mention the mistletoe and midnight kisses as the ball drops on New Year’s Eve. When you’re in a relationship, the whole world becomes your ‘Love, Actually’ at Christmas. When you’re single, however, you start to know what it feels like to be that crazy pigeon lady in ‘Home Alone 2: Lost in New York’.

But, more than goopy films and that constant urge to snuggle under blankets with someone, the thing that amplifies Christmas loneliness the most is… family. At Christmas, we’re often forced to spend far too much time with drunk, judgmental relatives with prehistoric views (“are you courting yet?” was a question I received from my granddad every time I saw him from around the age of 10) than anyone should have to endure. Okay, so a Christmas fuck buddy would be the absolute worst person to introduce to your family or to even mention to them – can you imagine the horror on your Aunt Gerty’s face as you explain the concept? – but, it would lessen the chiseling away at your soul and self-esteem that each concerned comment causes. “Shouldn’t you be thinking about settling down soon?” “You don’t want to leave it too late…”. Yeah, thanks nan – things are a little more complicated than they were back when you met your partner at a tea dance and stuck with them for life. Yeah, the thought of a hot, sweaty sex session that evening really eases the stress of all the interrogations you have to endure during the day.

Boyfriends are great and all but, at short notice, a fuck buddy is a brilliant substitute. Sometimes they even turn out to be an even better substitute – especially as far as not having to bother about what kind of cologne he wants when you’re doing your Christmas shopping, or having to fend off questions about when you’re going to start having grandkids.

No, I’m convinced a fuck buddy is exactly what I’d like to find under my Christmas tree this year  – preferably I’ll unwrap him before Christmas, actually – because Christmas Eve is not a night to be alone in bed. Nobody wants to be dodging mistletoe when they could be making the most of every sprig.

A friend with benefits is a year-round treat, of course, but during the holidays their value goes up tenfold. Let me explain:

1. You have someone to take to all those Christmas parties. Depending on what sort of party you’re headed to, you probably won’t introduce your fuck buddy as that but, for all those random house parties you end up at, it’s always good to have someone to chat with when you only vaguely recognize three people other than the host – and a great excuse for slinking off early. Only the meanest of friends would hold it against you that you ditched the party to hook up with a hottie.

2. You have someone to kiss at midnight on New Year’s Eve. Never underestimate how shitty that moment is when you don’t. It’s hard to look cool, casual and unfazed while you’re surrounded by a sea of snoggers.

3. You have all the Christmas warm and fuzzy feelings, but without the hassle and expense of buying Christmas presents. Buying watches or wallets at Christmas is tedious. Instead, your Christmas present to each other is just more filth. Which is, of course, the best present of all.

4. Christmas morning sex. It’s really the best, if only for the puns ‘let me unwrap you’, ‘my, what a big package’, ‘this year, I’ve been naughty’, ‘I want you in my chimney’. Actually – scrub that last one.

5. Getting to feel smug and dirty and secretive despite saying ‘no’ when your family asks if you’re seeing anyone.

6. Human hot water bottle.

7. Calorie-burning. You’re probably hitting the mince pies a little harder than you should, so it makes sense you work out a little more to compensate. An hour of sex burns off one slice of stollen. Maybe.

8. Sex is an excellent mood booster, and you need to stockpile all the endorphins you can get when you have to deal with your brother’s bratty and over-excited toddler all day.

9. You can go to bars all party season safe in the knowledge that, whatever happens, you’ve got a booty call secured.

10. The thought of a hot hook up planned afterwards really lessens the horror of the office party.

Last year, Santa granted my Christmas wish. I had a festive hook-up throughout the entire season of joy and goodwill to all men. Boy, did I feel some goodwill to all men. T’was indeed the season to be jolly. You can say what you want about committed relationships, but they don’t give you the same kind of glow that something a little more illicit does. That festive fuzzy glow is really complemented by post-orgasmic smugness; I thoroughly recommend the combo. Seriously, the ghosts of Christmas past, present and future could have saved themselves a big task if they’d just sent a hot hookup for Ebenezer Scrooge. The man clearly just needed to get laid. I suspect the results would have been identical.

Image courtesy of imagerymajestic / FreeDigitalPhotos.net

My festive hookup was a DJ which, FYI, is perfect for getting into clubs, staying late and then going home for the private after party – wink, wink. Instead of feeling like a loser on Boxing Day, when my relatives interrogated me about my carelessness with regard to not yet being married while I ate my turkey leftovers, I took it all in my stride, knowing I had something better than long-term commitment; I had an evening of up-all-night fun ahead of me. I felt young and sexy rather than spinster-y and panicked.

But, like eggnog, festive fuck buddies are a brilliant addition to your festive plans, but can be deceptively dangerous if you’re not cautious. While they seem like innocent fun that you just want to keep going back for more of, you may find yourself very drunk and making poor decisions before you know it. Okay, the similie is tenuous, to say the least, but you get my point.

The problems generally tend to focus around blurred lines; either yours, theirs, or someone who spots you together – for example, if you bump into your mother while you’re out together in the supermarket shopping for post-sex snacks on a Christmas Sunday afternoon. This may or may not have happened to me. It’s awkward and, you’ll probably find yourself having to pretend to your mum that you’re dating. Your mum won’t let this grain of hope for the fact she may be able to marry you off in the near future go.That is but one of the unavoidable scenarios of having a holiday or any sort of casual dating 'relationship'.

It’s also very possible that all the Christmas fuzziness (and large amounts of alcohol) gives you a serious case of rose-tinted specs, and you’ll start to believe everything in life is a Hollywood movie and that your unconventional relationship is probably the start of something really magical. But, when January comes – with all its lack of money, diets and back to work realness – you might remember why your relationship never developed into anything beyond the bedroom. Then you’re left with the bitterness of an awkward parting just before February, which already sucks due to Valentine’s Day, which I refer to by its unofficial name, the Annual Day for Couple Smugness.

The other fear is that they’ll start to like you more than you do them – they aren’t immune to Christmas fuzziness and booze – nor your obvious charms and irresistibility, either. It’s always tricky explaining to somebody that, while you like them, you much prefer their bedroom skills than their personality. If you are faced with this difficult situation, please word it a little differently than this.

No, keep your festive fling as part of your Christmas ritual; like an advent calendar, bad jumpers and changing your ring tone to Wham’s Last Christmas. A festive fuck buddy has a short shelf life. They’re a Christmas crutch to lean on (lean on, straddle, whatever...) but, when the decorations come down, you should, bid your hookup adieu, too. Remember, a festive fuck buddy is just for Christmas, not for life. A holiday from real life, a sexual vacation and a little end of year treat to yourself. And if you haven't got yourself one, it is never too late to shop for one. Remember not to overindulge once New Year comes.

How Women Can Deal With Online Dating Harassment



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by Patricio | 6 a.m. | November 27th 2014

It is uncertain if the Pulitzer Prize-winning author of The Brief Wondrous Life of Oscar Wao, Junot Diaz is an OkCupid user himself or if he just happened to read this Atlantic article about women getting harassed on dating websites, and decided to post it on his Facebook page. It is more likely that he simply felt strongly for women minorities who are getting maligned on the big and formidable dating site which then compelled him to share it.

Harassment of women has been happening since the beginning of time, and more specifically in the case of the Dominicans, during the days of Rafael Trujillo, a dictator who harassed (beautiful) women (at least according to Oscar Wao) in the Dominican Republic. It was easy for dictators, but not so for the commoners.

Image courtesy of imagerymajestic / FreeDigitalPhotos.netBut things have changed. Dictator or not, badly behaving men can get away with harassing women much easier nowadays than it was for men in the 1930s, 40s or 50s who had to suffer the indignity of displeasing women in real life. No matter how it's done, it seems that propositioning women will never go out of fashion. Whereas before, harassers were constrained to performing acts of perversion in person, now they can do it in a vast array of electronic platforms without working a sweat.

Vile messages of ill intent – mostly sexual in nature – can be sent through otherwise innocuous dating sites and apps. Creating a new Facebook profile, for the sole purpose of showcasing one's viciousness in the single guy's favorite app Tinder, is easy. Making and maintaining a shady online dating persona to send lewd messages to women can be done swiftly if and when the mood for such an activity strikes. Evidently, technology is owed our thanks. 

But it's not technology's fault that it's being used to perpetuate a cycle of abuse. The internet is in fact a wonderful place to find romance. Many dating sites have shared countless success stories of strangers meeting the love (and lay) of their lives. It warms the heart reading about couples tell tales of their love affairs that started from a seemingly harmless 'hi' or an innocent 'wink' which in most dating sites you can do with no limits. It brings tears to the eyes when girls meet their prince charming on sites such as atheistpersonals.com or any of the innumerable general dating sites. Countless times, the internet has acted as an electronic cupid to romance-seeking singles.

Also countless? Unsolicited dick pics that are being sent to unwitting, hapless women looking for romance in the web, haplessly victimized by the deluge of photos of phallus. That women don't find snapshots of penises arousing is very puzzling to exactly two sets of people: straight men who like their dicks, and in particular, straight men who are not freaked out and do not tremble with disgust at the site of their own, or other guys', penis, and most gay men. It can only be assumed that men bombard women with pictures of their other selves to prove this inherent disinterest wrong ('Penises are beautiful and I'm sending a picture of mine so you can change your mind').

Dating sites have become breeding grounds for harassers and it seems that there's little that site moderators and victims – mostly women – can do from blocking them off. A woman who chooses to be rid of online harassment has these options:

1. Be vigilant always and install an internal pervert detector.
2. Never attempt to find love online.

But this is just not fair. Surely, there are better ways to avoid online maniacs than resorting to these useless and impractical options?

On certain dating sites, men outnumber women, so it's not surprising that not a lot of men also get harassed or get the same threatening, wicked attitude towards their reluctance to engage in very specific use of their mouth, or any of their body parts. A large number of single men visiting online dating sites ought to be good news for women as it means a variety of mates to choose from that would increase their chances of finding the right one amid the cornucopia. But the huge number of men also means a huge number of potential predators who would send you messages so filthy you would want to wash your smartphone with soap after use.

It's simply unimaginable that guys would get the same treatment from the opposite sex. Inconceivable to imagine a straight male complaining about getting so much attention from women in OkCupid. To imagine a guy feeling violated over being asked to send a photograph of his manhood is to imagine the impossible. What is easy to imagine is a guy deciding which filter to use when mass-sending his you-know-what.

In case of dating site freak outs, what's a girl to do?

Unfortunately, taser guns and pepper sprays won't be able to protect them from offensive images and verbal assaults issued by horny, aggressive, and aggressively horny men in FriendFinder.com. If you're a woman, there is no telling when or if a guy you just met, whose last name you do not even know, and who probably parades around in the online dating world under telling nicknames as cupidboi4u or 69thusiast is the kind of guy who would unleash a torrent of profanity when turned down or ignored.

Image courtesy of stockimages / FreeDigitalPhotos.net

A woman may never be able to completely prevent being subject to deranged suitors' attacks but they can definitely remove them from the face of the dating site, if not of the earth.

It's such an obvious course of action but it's so often neglected. Amateur female online daters too unnerved at the sight of a crude message might have to collect herself first before she can muster the nerve to look for the Report Abuse page. But sometimes the shock is too great for this to even occur to her. Sometimes, she may not even bother.

Ditch General Sites, Go Niche

Women can also avoid the dirty prose bros in major dating sites by going to niche sites that cater to their specific interests. A devout Christian lady looking to find a God-fearing, bible-quoting Christian man would be probably be better off signing up for Christian dating sites and feel safer around her kin. Someone who wishes to find herself in fetish dating communities, but still wants to be respected, could opt for any number of fetish dating sites that cater to people like her. If one is into farmers, a farmers and/or cowboys dating site is where one could meet a nice young country boy that could be taken home to momma.

Although questionable behavior is not unheard of in these sites, and strictly sticking to these niche sites is not likely going to solve the pervasive problem of perversion in online dating, there is probably a much smaller likelihood of bumping into guys who would bring up the topic of your cup size in place of the usual greetings. And at least there is an element of surprise.

Sassy Support Group Sites

If feeling defeated, she can also find solace from sites (and apps) that expose the worst in online dating. If threatening guys with an expose won't do the trick, knowing that one is in the company of women who have experienced the same things, might. Sites such as Tinder Lines might never erase the oppressive image of genitalia from your mind, but knowing that someone else is getting much more offensive messages just might ease the pain.

To be fair, not all women are always in their best behavior when they use dating sites. They can also be terribly shady which incurs the ire of men who feel entitled to their affection and attention. Guys have to make the first move always and what they're doing when they go berserk at inattentive women who dare deflect their advances is arguably just a very normal way that a man takes care of his ego, the very ego that he puts out there in the world for all the millions of women of Match.com to tear to pieces.

As the means of harassment develop, so will the brand of cruelty. Perhaps it is human nature to want to do things that no other sane human would want to even think about, perhaps there should be an internet penal/penile code for men who would but that would be so hard to do.

A guy on the prowl should know that there are dating sites where he can act out his severest fantasies (but still within the bounds of acceptable social conduct) and not be perceived as a sociopath. He should also bear in mind that if this keeps happening, women just might stay away from online dating sites. Forever. And that would be a mortifying state for the future of online dating and he wouldn't want that. To borrow a line from a Junot Diaz short story, this is how you lose her.

BDSM: The Beginner's Guide



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by Carmen Volterra | 6 a.m. | November 6th 2014

Image courtesy of adamr / FreeDigitalPhotos.netThere's a lot more to BDSM than just Fifty Shades of Grey, especially if you're looking for a compatible partner in the crazy world of dating. But what if you're a beginner who doesn't quite know the... ropes? Consider this a newbie's guide.

Understand the Lingo

First things first: there's no universal agreement on what 'BDSM' stands for. Depending on who you ask, the letters can stand for bondage, discipline, dominance, submission, sadism or masochism. Since all of these terms are prominent concepts in a typical fetish community, there's simply no telling which ones were the originals.

Bondage is the art of immobilization, though you may be surprised to learn that it doesn't have to involve whips and chains. Bondage play can come in everything from ribbons to ropes.

Discipline is the art of giving and receiving punishment, often in the context of dominance and submission. One partner takes control of the scene; the other concedes it.

Sadism and masochism are often misunderstood by the general public. Though they usually refer to an exchange of pain, they can also be applied to erotic contexts in the form of extreme pleasure or orgasm denial. Simply put, sadism and masochism are about finding satisfaction within extremes.

Know Your Kinks

Did anything intrigue you from the previous section? Well, they're only the tip of the iceberg. Before you go tumbling down the rabbit hole, however, it's important to know thyself. You don't want to misrepresent your interests in the world of fetish dating.

Here are just a few questions to ponder as you take your journey:

 

- Are you dominant or submissive? Do you enjoy taking control in the bedroom or ceding it to your partner? Or maybe you're a switch, someone who likes both.

- What are your biggest fantasies? What's the common denominator in all of them? For example, if you dream of role-playing, are you most excited by the scenes, the characters or the costumes?

- What are you looking for in a partner? Do you dream of a gentle hand or a leather-clad giant? There are no wrong answers here; the most important thing is that you're honest with yourself and your sexual needs. If you don't know what you want, you can't go out and find it.

 

Set Boundaries

Rules are extremely important in certain scenarios. When you're traveling to the edge with a partner, you need to have complete faith and trust that they won't let you fall.

Safewords are the most common precaution. Like the name implies, they're conversational shorthands that end the scene immediately when spoken aloud. Most people choose something unusual for their safeword so it won't accidentally slip out during intense play; "purple monkey" or "Mr. Tibbles" is unlikely to be screamed in the height of passion.

Other couples use a numbered or colored system to denote their comfort levels. For example, "yellow" might mean "slow down, this is getting intense" while "red" means "stop right this minute, I'm not comfortable with this any longer."

If you're setting up a specific scene, you might want to run through it verbally before anyone gets tied up. Ask questions like, "Is it okay if I pull your hair?" or "Should I wait for permission before I move my hands?"

Image courtesy of adamr / FreeDigitalPhotos.net

You should also take the time to establish a list of no-nos with a potential partner. This is especially important when meeting or dating someone for the first time; you need to make clear exactly what is and isn't acceptable in your relationship. If you don't like to be scratched, say so right away. If you hate humiliation, warn them not to go there so they won't offend you in the middle of a scene. A simple conversation about limits can save you both time and frustration in the long run.

Never Stop Communicating

Last but certainly not least, you should understand that an interest in bondage, fetish and other kinks and alternative dating situations will never be stagnant. As you experiment with different things, your tastes will refine, evolve and even change completely. This is completely normal! But make sure that you always communicate your new needs to your partner and are willing to listen if their needs change as well.

This is just a quick guide to getting what you want out of it. Dating is tricky enough, but it can be especially difficult if you're imagining that nice girl across the cafe table all dolled up in latex. So use these tips and tricks to ensure that you're both on the same page when it comes to sex.

Oh, and don't rely on Fifty Shades of Grey for your education. Just don't do it.

Now that you know the basics, you're ready to get your kink on. You can begin with this list of fetish dating sites which comes with reviews, recommendations and warnings.

Top 10 Tips for Transgender Dating



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by Carmen Volterra | 7 a.m. | October 30th 2014

Whether you're dating a transwoman or becoming a transman yourself, there are a few unspoken rules in the world of transgender dating. Here are just 10 tips for keeping your foot firmly out of your mouth. 
 
Image courtesy of photostock / FreeDigitalPhotos.net1. Be Honest 

Don't misrepresent yourself either online or in person. If you're pre-op, say so. If your breasts are actually body foam, bring up cross-dressing over coffee and see how your partner reacts. You don't have to give away all your secrets on the first date, but the longer you wait to share certain truths, the harder they'll be to swallow.
 
2. Know the Lingo 

Not every transwoman is a drag queen. Not every transman considers himself gay. Before you take your first steps in alternative dating, make sure you understand all the terminology that goes with it. For example, if you don't know what "cissexual" means or what the acronyms BA, GCS or HRT stand for, it's time to do some research before you embarrass yourself in front of that beautiful VGV TG.
 
3. Avoid Inflammatory Language 

In the same vein as the above, nothing will turn people off faster than a dating profile declaring its interest in "sexy shemales" or "hot trannies." Transpeople aren't objects, and unless you're on a seriously kinky website, most will resent being treated as such. Stay as courteous and respectful as you would on any other dating platform.
 
4. Talk About Kinks 

Not every transwoman likes to be spanked while listening to Pink Floyd's The Wall, but if you catch that lucky lady, you're going to be pretty embarrassed if you don't know anything but the missionary position. Discuss your kinks before heading into the bedroom. Again, you don't have to share everything right away, but it's a good idea to make sure you're sexually compatible before attempting actual sex.
 
5. Don't Ask About the Plumbing 

This applies to both cispeople and transpeople who are dating someone like them. Don't ask about genitalia! It implies that you don't care how smart, funny or interesting they are; you're only interested in what they keep in their pants. Don't talk about parts unless they bring it up first or show interest in the topic. It's an important exchange to have, certainly, but it's one that can wait until the second or third date when you're more comfortable with each other and open to the idea of an actual relationship.
 
6. Date from the Right Circles 

Heterosexual couples may be able to find love in the produce section, but it's a little more difficult for transpeople. Whether you're trans yourself or just interested in dating that way, you might want to stick to alternative dating websites or gay-friendly places in your neighborhood. That way you'll be able to pick from a pool of LGBT singles instead of just catching someone's eye over the oranges and hoping fervently that they're not a bigot.
 
7. Allow for Some Uncertainty

Transwomen weren't raised as women, so they might be a little sensitive or insecure in their femininity. They might also go in the opposite direction and be very brash and aggressive. When dating a transwoman, the key is to be open and accepting no matter where they are on the path of self-acceptance. Let them figure things out for themselves. Your role is just a supportive one in their journey.
 
8. Apologize for Your Mistakes 

It's easy to mix up terms and pronouns even if you're transgender yourself. The important thing is that you don't linger on or try to justify your gaffe. For example, if you call your date "gay" but they consider themselves heterosexual in the wrong body, don't get into a 30-minute argument about terminology. Apologize, respect their label and move on. You could be doing something romantic instead of squabbling about semantics.

 

Image courtesy of digitalart / FreeDigitalPhotos.net
 
9. Don't Treat Them As An "Other" 

The first time you introduce your date as "my transgender girlfriend" will also be the last. For the most part, transpeople are looking for the same kinds of relationships as cispeople, and that means not treating them as exotic commodities or a topic of gossip among your friends. Stop those Victor/Victoria jokes before they even begin. Punch your buddy in the face if he starts to ask about genitalia. Your date will see it as gallant.
 
10. Stay Safe 

It's a dangerous world out there, especially for transpeople who meet online. Take precautions while looking for The One. Meet in a public place for your first date; have a friend awaiting your call at a certain hour; don't go anywhere with someone if they make you uncomfortable. Look out for red flags in their language, too. Some transpeople have yet to accept themselves, so if you notice any alarming or self-loathing phrases, get out before you wind up in The Silence of the Lambs.

The Subtle Art of Mastering Tinder



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by Jesse Quinn | 5:04 a.m. | October 23rd 2014

Heads up, I'm very detailed. This article is approximately a 28 minute read. Don't have the time right now? No worries. You can email the ad-free version of the article to yourself and read it later!

 
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Players and power daters can rejoice in the birth of Tinder. This application has truly upgraded the male capacity to unrelentingly score with legions of stunning women. The old ways of seeking cute girls in person are over! It cannot be overstated how transcendental this program is for hooking up, but first, here are the basics: 

After being developed by InterActiveCorp, it was given a limited run on college campuses. The first test launch occurred in May 2011. This successful implementation started with a legendary pilot run at the University of Southern California. Because the program has gained extreme popularity, a lot of people want to take credit for its inception. As a result, there are conflicting accounts within the official narrative, but an emerging consensus is that it was made by an expert team of thinkers comprised of Jonathan Badeen, Christopher Gulczynsk, Justin Mateen, Joe Munoz and Whitney Wolfe

The application's clever name refers to kindling that ignites the first sparks of an intense burning fire. This apt metaphor suits the matchmaking arena masterfully. It adeptly functions on both Android and Apple iOS. Tinder’s universal compatibility with the most prevalent mobile gadgets has enshrined critical acclaim for its ability to unlock massive audiences of single daters. With humble grassroots origins, the website quickly gained notoriety and a global user base. 

Tinder rapidly received recognition for its ability to make compatible pairs for short-term flings, long-term affairs, friendships and online connections of all sorts. For the most part, the app relies on Facebook information to locate possible candidates for prospective meetings. In just two short years, the service has accumulated over 10 million users on a daily basis. This huge digital gathering is bolstered by the inclusion of 24 different languages. Foreign fancies are all part of the formula with this software.

 

The Anatomy of Tinder

Society is witnessing a revolutionary mechanism in the way applications work. Tinder’s home page is concise and engaging. The core function relies on swiping. Profile pictures are displayed in a fascinating game of sorts. Swiping an image to the right signals attraction, and a match is triggered when both participants slide in this direction; however, a dash to the left equals rejection. If either party decides the other is unworthy, all it takes to say no is a single motion. A chat box opens immediately after two members simultaneously swipe positive affirmations.

The Settings tab is remarkably convenient. Options that can be adjusted here include gender preferences (get this one right!), desired age range and geographic proximity. Notification preferences can also be altered here. To get the fastest access to booty, keep the push notification for matches turned on. 

Before this crafty menu can be reached, registration is required. Here is a brief overview of the process:

  • Step 1: Download the App
  • Step 2: Enter Facebook
  • Step 3: Clean Up Profile (It will be used, so fix it beforehand)
  • Step 4: Enter Tinder Profile Details
  • Step 5: Tweak Settings
  • Step 6: Start Swiping and Chatting
  • Step 7: Get Laid Tonight

 

Who Uses Tinder and Why

Image credit: AntonioDiaz - Fotolia.comTinder is where the sexy single ladies congregate these days. Titillating goddesses of all ages use this site to have sex with the strangers they meet. There are countless curious whims that can be indulged, and the demographics feature a shocking amount of insatiably horny women. To be blunt, there has never been so much accessible pussy in one place. These girls practically get wet on command, especially for those that know the tools of the Tinder trade. 

Wonderfully, there are also a lot of innocent 18 year olds signing up on their birthdays. Tinder has become so notorious that teenagers are anxiously anticipating the day it becomes legal for them to use it. As their registration indicates, they are looking for a truly fun and filthy initiation. College girls also regularly employ the application to fill their study breaks. 

The fun is not limited to vivaciously young broads either. As a matter of fact, there are quite a few cougars and MILFs to score with. These mature dames are intuitively experienced in the ways of pleasure, but they are also always on the lookout for something new and exciting. This combination elicits deep carnal connections that are unrivaled among general matchmaking services. Tourists also enjoy the application in abundance. It gives them a chance to really get a taste of the local flavor. With Tinder, lovers arrive from all parts of the world. 

In short, almost everyone uses Tinder. The range of viable arrangements covers virgin schoolgirls to well-versed divorcees. Fantasy is now a reality as the girl in the screen comes to life. Sex is not the only attraction either. Many girls are simply looking for companionship. Some of the cuties are purely in it for the tease, but most of them follow through with fiery fervor.

 

Tinder Updates and Portrayal in Media 

Tinder has totally gone mainstream, too. A lot of well-known reputable news sites have embraced the application's culture. Huffington Post has a funny fat suit exposé; meanwhile, Independent presents another Gentleman’s Guide (but it’s not as good as this one). 

The smoothest guys can even bag celebrity hook-ups. Even the Italian media is talking about it. Apparently, lucky guys have spotted the likes of Britney Spears, Lindsay Lohan and Katy Perry using the application. A-list actresses and singers need some Tinder love and care. On the other end of the spectrum, even Bill Murray is offering his opinion of Tinder to TIME Magazine, but he is probably not searching for his own “Tinderella”. 

News reports have started circulating about a premium Tinder service that is about to launch. Starting in November it will be possible for subscribers to arrange lovers in advance of their travels. Currently, matches are limited to present GPS results, but this advancement will change everything. As a consequence, winter vacations are going to be extra special this year.

 

How to Get the Most out of Tinder 

Image credit: vladimirfloyd - Fotolia.com

1. There are three T's to Tinder: Travel, Travel and Travel! (However, those hoping for tits and tight tushies will not be disappointed.) The easiest way to diversify potential matches is by testing the application in distant regions. To illustrate how much difference a change in setting makes, just imagine the differences between girls from Texas and California. Both are nice with proper expectations in place. 

Ultimately, a large percentage of the Tinder population is consistently on the move. This means a lot of the intimate meetings are opportunities that only occur once in a lifetime. Exotic tourists are always stopping by in different places, and this might be their only night in town. Commonly, two people even find out that they are staying at the same hotel or hostel. This makes getting laid as easy as literally going straight down the hallway.
 
2. Learn the lingo: The three most favorable letters to look for are definitely DTF. Seek out girls that proudly proclaim this notion. For those out of the loop, this stands for "Down to Fuck." No elaboration is needed once this declaration is made, and these feisty girls know how to get straight to the point. 

Contrarily, the most dreaded acronyms are a tie between WTF and GTFO. Surprisingly, a few guys don't even know what LOL means. Failing to embrace the simplest phrases of the digital era signals a man that is too out of touch. Never ask for clarification of an acronym. Look it up quickly instead and respond as if you already knew what she meant. 

A good response to LMAO might be, "Well, put it back on because you might need it later." Follow it with a winking smile for maximum effect. Insert this kind of sly entendre whenever possible. Tinder girls don’t expect guys to be artful all the time, but a witty remark can distinctively separate one from the crowd of bumbling dummies. 

Emoticons will make a positive impression if used sparingly. An occasional smiley is much more impactful than a non-stop barrage of winks.
 
3. Maximize the advantages of coaxing access to naughty picture libraries. Avid Tinder ladies are known to be armed with a repertoire of sultry pictures available upon request. The sexy shots always show off their finest angles. A lot of the babes are horny enough to share full nudes and compromising sexual content. It can be said from professional experience that female masturbation videos are becoming delightfully prevalent. 

If a girl brings up a special talent, it is time to take her up on the offer by asking for proof in the form of a picture or video. She most likely would not be mentioning her knack for dirty fun without expecting to give any evidence. Many times, the naughty documentation has already been made and is ready for distribution. In other instances, she may retort with a welcome invitation to demonstrate her knack for sensual creativity in person. This can only spell good news. 

4. Accept rejection and dish it out evenly. Maintaining high standards is clever in the long run, but it might require some patience. Still, it is a better alternative than settling for an affair that might be regretted. The best part is that poor choices are few and far between. This is because the interface knows everyone quite well, and it specializes in masterfully arranging decadent affairs. While the beauties are rated mostly for appearances, their willingness to put out seems to be factored into the equation as well. 

Speedy rejections may be gratifying in the short-term, but who really wants to spend another night alone when horny girls are just begging to have fun? When swiping through possible matches, a lot of faces pop up. It may be fun to stamp them with a “No” right away, but hastiness might actually be a bad move. Have a couple of drinks before turning down a sassy woman just for her profile picture. She might be a lot nicer looking in person.

5. Be honest. Lies get guys nowhere. Misconceptions about height and age will be hugely detrimental. It is smart to simply own any conceived faults. Sometimes, they can work out to a man's advantage. For example, there is no reason to be shy about baldness; in fact, a lot of really hot girls find a shaved head to be a gigantic turn on. In the same vein, telling the truth about age can even lead to amazing relationships with young girls that desire a distinguished silver fox in the bedroom. 

6. Make an effort to not reply immediately every time. This will cultivate a persona of alluring mysteriousness. Slowing down the messaging process also gives men a chance to see if their match is truly intrigued. If she is truly feeling the need to get intimate, the messages will keep coming to make sure a disconnection hasn’t occurred. It can make them feel like they’re being overly talkative, which is a great position to place them in. This situation makes them feel slightly embarrassed from seeming too fast or desperate, so they will be eagerly waiting for evidence otherwise. Here’s proof of how it works. 

These actual messages started coming in from a girl that was too hot to be in anybody’s league. This angelic creature was simply gorgeous beyond belief. Coming up with articulate responses was difficult just gazing at her luscious features and plump curvature. The distractions slowed down all responses, but this worked to an ultimate advantage. 

She started with, “God I love a man that cooks.” (Note the reference to an activity that was listed in hobbies and shown in pictures.)

After a few minutes she received, “Good, because I love a lady with an appetite.”

The onslaught quickly followed. First, she sent: “Give me everything on the menu.” Before any response could be crafted, she added: “I’ll try a little of everything.” After that, it was, “I bet you could really fill me up.” This was coupled with, “I can give you a tasty treat too.” After almost 10 minutes without an acknowledgement, she quipped, “It appears I might have run my mouth off a little long. I tend to get carried away and go on forever. Sorry.” 

This was the moment to pounce! “You can get carried away with your mouth anytime, there’s nothing to be sorry about. Can you really go on forever? That would be amazing. But I’m more than a little long...” Without going into details, this exchange culminated in a transcendental session of oral sex within the same hour, and that was just the start. Dinner soon followed.

7. Derogatory terms should rarely be used, but certain words elicit powerful responses in a playful context. In fact, a ton of feminists have embraced the terms "slut" and "bitch". If spoken with permission, these phrases can enhance the flirtatious dialogue. In fact, it is the antiquated lingo that can get a guy in trouble. Old-fashioned phrases like "darling" and "dear" are out of touch in today's hook-up world. Indeed, many of these women are self-described sluts, and they are looking for attractive males to certify this status. Despite their knack for naughty language, these women consider themselves to be liberated, educated and uninhibited. 

Sexual undertones are inevitable, so guys that are with the program have to know how to go with the flow. Even without trying to invoke double entendre, it is going to happen anyway. The smartest route is to casually embrace it. Watch how it works: 

"Do you mind if I come over?" 

"I'd prefer it if you came under." 

"I'll be there soon. But it's cold outside." 

"That's why you should come inside." 

"Should I wrap up?" 

"Only for the cold baby, not for me ;)" 

8. Communication has never been so open and expressive. This unrestrained outlet for written discourse allows pairs to discover the goodies before any investment is made. Guys should be tactfully clear about their interests. Girls will happily reciprocate this ability to discuss erotic impulses without shame or judgment. It really is a beautiful thing. Straightforwardness is absolutely the norm here. Being blunt works unexpectedly well, but only if the crass statements are accompanied by a smoldering profile picture. Overall, images speak louder than words on Tinder. Choosing a tactful assortment of pics is a complex art, but the entire process is demystified below.

Do you have a love story related to Tinder? Don't just keep it to yourself. Contact us to write for the Cupid's Library community and help share knowledge for the benefit of all. We are waiting to share your story!

Tips & Strategies for Choosing the Best Display Photos

Image credit: Anna Omelchenko - Fotolia.com

1. Emphasize a sensitive nature to increase approachable appeal. With pictures that showcase personal interests and pastimes, it is always wise to strike a perfect balance between unique and relatable. Images illustrating joyous interactions with animals can be a huge plus, but pictures snapped with children for the same purpose can backfire. Their youthful appearance makes men look older by comparison no matter what, and it can be impossible to dispel the notion of being tied down by fatherhood even if the kid belongs to someone else.

With pets, the animal in question is important. Kittens and puppies are chick magnets. These traditional choices are usually the best options for attracting stable females. Men that show off obscure wildlife are bound to earn the notice of weirder females. This is not necessarily a bad thing, but it is something to be aware of. Mainly, anything too far out of the ordinary will merely make it look like the guy is trying too hard. This damning impression cannot be shaken off, so it’s wise to maintain realistic settings and occurrences. Staged pictures are a terrible idea because they only present a stiff caricature instead of sensitivity.

2. Mix up debonair appearances frequently. Show a variety of facial expressions. A common mistake that guys make typically involves striking the same smile in every picture despite partaking in a multitude of activities. Women find a limited emotional capacity to be a major turn off in any venue, and Tinder girls are no different. Utilize a variety of different styles and looks. Try not to repeat outfits within the library of uploaded pictures. Even if the suit is dashing, it should not be shown more than once. A lack of varied fashions will be severely unappetizing.

Also, get a haircut. It will show. Girls can subconsciously detect the effort, and it will be duly rewarded.

3. This tenet cannot be stressed enough: Be self-possessed and dominant. Sexy ladies have a tendency to go for an alpha male, so a smart dude will include pictures of social situations that clearly depict them being the center of attention. Commanding a large audience in a respectful manner will quickly woo these divas' hearts and wet their panties. There are a lot of professions and hobbies that enable this desirable perception quickly. For example, professors are lucky to have subordinate students on hand to pose for this kind of picture any time. Anyone that occupies a leadership role should use the authority to get action. This kind of Darwinian scenario cannot be faked!

4. Unspoken protocol dictates that every guy should post a shirtless photo. One is usually enough or two if there is a lot of muscular definition to capture. Anyone offering more than a pair of bare torso photos will find the outcomes unfavorable. Shirtless photos should usually not be selfies. It is much better to display a hot bod in natural settings. An easy way to accomplish this feat is by photographing casual times at the beach or pool. Bonus points will be earned if less attractive individuals of the same gender are framed in the shot. A little uneven juxtaposition never hurt anybody (except the other guy, but it’s his fault for being chubby).

Manscaping should probably be discussed here, too. Overall, basic grooming skills are a must, but any excessive involvement with the hobby may be construed as narcissism. The bottom line is that all body hairs should be kept clean and tidy. Girls might leave if they uncover an unruly jungle below the belt. To indicate that everything is finely coiffed, show off a trimmed line of hair descending from the belly button into the pants. This primed packaging will entice ladies by letting them know the goods are in perfectly presentable condition. If managing the body hair is too much work, just get a wax treatment already. It will have the same illustrious effect and appeal.

5. About dirty photos: While these are not necessarily included in the display photos up front, they are still an indispensible piece of a man’s arsenal on Tinder. Expert care and precision must be utilized while handling personal nude photos. Men expecting to receive erotic content must be willing to provide such compromising material in return. 

Unless the guy in question is packing considerable heat, full-frontal pictures might be a bad move. Size queens will discard all details in favor of the biggest Johnson, so those with average-sized members should keep them mostly concealed. A good workaround for this can be found through wearing tight underwear that is structured to provide maximum package lift. 

Those that are unusually well-endowed will have their pick of the litter. This might not seem fair at first, but the same reasoning applies for the women with the biggest bosoms. It's just the way things are, but the system works out pretty well for most. 

Image courtesy of adamr / FreeDigitalPhotos.net

Although it seems like a safe haven for buxom broads to post amateur pornography of themselves, the Tinder culture is actually a lot richer. Most digital platforms treat lewd media like the final product, but it is only the start of erotic adventures here. This evolved conceptualization of free love has created a notorious media reputation.

6. Use subtle accessories to flaunt wealth and status. A little bling can go a long way, so resist the urge to overdo it on the jewelry. A simple gold chain or diamond earring will do the trick. Too much flair can manifest a feminine appearance, and this will leave ladies running for the hills. A guy should never have more jewels than his woman. This is cocky, selfish and backwards.

Make sure to include at least one full body shot. This will quickly confirm details about height and weight, but the most crucial benefit of this picture comes from the capacity to illustrate a powerhouse fashion ensemble. Women place a lot of importance on the social value of good shoes, so the fanciest leather kickers in the wardrobe should be worn in this photo. After being nearly naked in some other scans, being dressed to the nines will actually be quite refreshing.

7. Stay current. Submitting outdated pictures is a distasteful faux pas. Guys expect the same decency of women to post current pictures of their bodies, but they often fail to return the favor. A good rule of thumb is the two-month rule. Any image that is over two months old should be excluded from use on Tinder. This is because so many little transformations can occur in just eight weeks. The only way to prevent disappointed gals is by showing them what they are getting right from the start. Facebook profile integration can often disprove content in poorly manufactured profiles, so honesty expectations are uniquely necessary in the realm of display pictures. Speaking of Facebook: Un-like old interests, and clean up the relationship section.

If a girl is planning a date with a 20 year-old, the man arriving at age 40 is going to be an unwelcome sight. Pretending that the pictures are current will only make her aggravation worse upon meeting. This kind of encounter should be avoided altogether. There are a lot of fine sweethearts out there that need an older man's touch, but they are being deprived while the mature fellows chase disinterested divas with deception. Break this cycle immediately. Advertise a grey receding hairline, and a supple sugar baby might just appear out of thin air. 

8. This is a very important rule: Nix the party photos! It is an undeniable fact that goddesses avoid men that might embarrass them, so attempts to show laid back fun can fail by indicating a willingness to make a complete fool of oneself. Promptly remove any content that appears slobby or immature. Intoxication is a bad move, especially when illegal drugs are involved. No one wants to get busted because of Tinder. Photographically documented inebriation will sacrifice any pretense of being classy. Images showing interactions with other women are also heavily discouraged. For some inexplicable reason, too many Tinder guys decide to include a shot of themselves being enamored with a scantily clad companion. These photos even depict a mindless stare at a rack or derriere. Then, they have the nerve to wonder why they don’t get any action. The gall is hilarious and appalling.

 

Cardinal Rules When Using Tinder: A Do’s and Don’ts Strategy Guide to Deploy 

Image courtesy of stockimages / FreeDigitalPhotos.netDos:

1. Do discuss fetishes beforehand. No one likes being surprised with an unexpected kink. Keep it simple and don't act like disinterest with the particular activity is a complete deal breaker. Remember, the weirder the request, the harder it will be to find a receptive audience. This is not to say that a responsive female is impossible to find for certain non-vanilla engagements; however, it will be much easier to find amicability if the fetish is common. For example, a foot fetish is much easier to satisfy than humiliation, but there is more than one dominatrix out there too. 

2. Do everything to project an image of confidence and self-assuredness. Women find it irresistible when a man seems to have everything in his life under control. Ironically, this drives them out of control (in a good way). Paying attention to all of the little details is the best way to impress.

It is also witty to employ the humble bragging technique. This method eschews pompousness and arrogance, traits which can unfortunately be misconstrued with confidence. Basically, all it takes is a statement of face-value humility that actually turns out to contain tidbits that accentuate status and self-worth. This approach has been tested through actual conversations. Here is one anonymous one that led to some serious action: 

“I’m not that special. I’m sure a lot of guys out there spend their time volunteering and giving money to charity. I just like helping the needy, so to speak, but that doesn’t make me more important than anyone else.”

Let us analyze all of the incredible angles covered by this smooth, yet self-deprecating line. Initially, it indicates a casual demeanor combined with approachable kindness and soft-hearted tenderness. Then, it implies a lot of free time and money, which obviously worked to the man’s benefit. Then, it invites a favorable comparison against every other dude in existence. Finally, the self-referentially open-ended phrase about liking to help welcomes some flirty innuendo in return.

Sure enough, the response was: “I’m needy. Would you volunteer to help me?” 

Things escalate to a steamy level after merely asking, “What do you need, babe?” 

“…For you to fill this.” Needless to say, it was soon accompanied by a picture of her panties being delicately pulled down to reveal a divine destination. 

3. Do stay prompt and courteous. The main way to do this is by never waiting more than 24 hours to initiate a hook up. Exceeding this time period basically hits the reset button on the flirtations. This happens because every evening is a race. Once there is a possibility that she has slept with someone else, the entire accord has to start over. 

To simplify this concern, get her correspondence off Tinder eventually. This will prevent cross-interference with future hook-up partners while still using the service for new game. Collecting personal contact information is a great way to establish progress, but being pushy is not recommended. If this step does not arise naturally, the union sadly may not be fated. 

One truly sensational aspect of Tinder is the proverbial two-line pick-up. With a dash of luck, guys can get in the door with a single line and its response. Here's how its happened once before: 

"That little dress fits you perfectly." 

"I got something little that will fit you perfectly too." 

Boom! That is all it took to get to the next level. 

4. Do be proactive and smart. Prospective partners want to start a passionate fling, not a family! Since there is really no way to verify birth control status, protection is recommended. If she can provide a clean bill of sexual health in tandem with an IUD plate, then feel free to bareback by all means. It should not have to be stated, but many guys do not learn this lesson until it happens the hard way: Do not get anyone pregnant! This spells the end of hooking up forever. To stave off this destiny, it’s best to get a vasectomy to remove the risk entirely. 

5. Do deliver. Some of these girls are dying to get laid, and their expectations are high. Disappointed lasses will speak loud and clear. A reputation for prudishness or impotence will last long. On the other hand, guys that duly satisfy their Tinder dates usually find more girls becoming interested. 

This rule does not just pertain to erogenous enjoyment; in fact, the tenet of fulfilling promises applies to every element of the interaction. For example, an offer to dance cannot be revoked. Men that cannot groove should avoid implying any rhythmic activities other than sex. Another bad move is to back out of cooking after talking up culinary skills. After all the impressive chatter, ordering food will be a colossal disappointment. The only delivery should be of the guarantees granted beforehand.

Image courtesy of imagerymajestic / FreeDigitalPhotos.netDon'ts: 

1. Don't start with obscene picture requests. Be grateful for any erotic content, but avoid treating them with disrespect. Those only looking for an endless plethora of naked photos might want to migrate elsewhere. There is a lot of raunchy material, but it is only intended as build up for something more. The pictures simply allow people to forge a deeper bond before meeting in person. Because they effectively establish primal intimacy, they are a perfect gateway to getting laid. It cannot be stressed enough that these girls should not be treated like webcam models. They are not getting paid for sharing their sexy images; instead, they're trying to uncover a raw mutual attraction for some passionate encounters. 

2. Try not to use the application in local regions too frequently. There are a lot of potential conflicts that can occur from relying on Tinder for hometown hook-ups. The biggest issue might be running into friends and family. Because the application utilizes transparency to amplify search engine power, everyone that a guy finds online can find him as well. This can create an outcome of being exposed as a serial dater. Spouses can find out they are being cheated on, and family members will be quickly disillusioned to their son’s chastity and pure nature. Confidential information should be kept for actual hook-ups instead of being advertised within a profile. Even if it turns out that there is no one familiar on Tinder, avid users of the program can quickly exhaust their town’s supply of horny girls. To keep variety flowing, this app should be used in a different location every night. This allows a guy to be a newcomer in an area with a stale male market. When a lone hot man suddenly appears in a repetitively dull field of average Joes, the ladies jump on him with fiery ferocity. 

3. Don't be stuck up or condescending. The nature of the app's rejection interface takes care of saying no, so focus on looking for positive experiences. Word spreads fast about mean guys, and this can lead to an unofficial blacklist among the babe community. Avoid negging like a pick-up artist. The opposite approach is much nicer and more effective. Offering small compliments can open the door for unbelievable raunchy flings. For example, “I really like your make-up,” was once greeted with by, “Really? I think I need more cream in my foundation.” She was only 18, but she followed through on her subtle suggestion with the conviction of a much more experienced woman. 

4. Don't demand a home meeting immediately. Asking a girl to come directly to a guy's place can be too overt. It may even seem a tiny bit creepy. Similarly, requesting to go straight to her home is also a no-no. Although the date may eventually lead to one of these locations (or preferably a hotel), it is safest to conduct the original in-person introduction at a public location in the daytime. 

5. Don't expect commitment and don't meddle with couples. These paths only spell disaster. This is simply not a destination for monogamy; in truth, it is closer to the reverse. Expecting a girl on Tinder to be faithful is very similar to falling in love with a stripper - it’s just not the right dynamic. Also, hot couples may be on tinder advertising their open status, but there can be a lot of drama involved. Unless cuckolding or group sex is of particular interest, stay away from ladies that aren’t truly single. Available women are plentiful, so there is no need to step into this trap. One more thing: never give gifts!

 

Final Words and Wisdom 

Using Tinder is like the upgraded version of picking up chicks at the bar. Modern technology has truly enhanced mankind’s ability to get down with an endless variety of horny ladies. Their proclivities are exquisitely open-minded, which makes their fine bodies willing and pliable. There is no reason to hesitate when it comes to using Tinder. Meetings are kept private, and members are known to have an unspoken agreement that emphasizes tacitly remaining discreet at every juncture. 

The pitfalls of traditional pick-up venues are dreadfully exposed when compared to the cutting-edge convenience of Tinder. First of all, it was formerly impossible to see a girl in the buff before taking her home from the club; now, it is possible to browse through her naked photos at ease. Having access to this tantalizing material up front creates an environment of increased acceptance once the union is being consummated. Disappointment is ruled out because there are no secrets being kept under the clothes.

With a proper understanding of the application, guys can really start racking up conquests. By taking the right approach, the numbers will accumulate fast. Soon it will be impossible to keep track of how many luscious ladies have been personally ravaged thanks to Tinder. More than a few of them are sure to come back for another romp, especially if they were given a good time during the first go around.

Image courtesy of imagerymajestic / FreeDigitalPhotos.net

This is truly the future of sexual matchmaking. The capacity to fulfill fantasies is endless. Dry spells are over once and for all. Tinder makes it possible to never spend another night alone. Sexing new potential hook-ups can occupy any player’s attentions during the rare times a Tinder girl is not lounging in their bed. All seven nights of the week can be spent with just as many exotic companions (or more!).

Do you have a love story related to Tinder? Don't just keep it to yourself. Contact us to write for the Cupid's Library community and help share knowledge for the benefit of all. We are waiting to share your story!

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